Announcing the Bernal Heights Non-Diet, which has nothing to do with Bernal Heights, San Francisco. It just happens to be the place where I live. And, as the title suggests, I'm not trying to diet. I'm trying to come up with a structural eating plan that will help me lose weight.

I can't figure out in what order to put these rules, some of which I have stolen from the food advice I get from my health plan. Anyway, I've got nine of them. Here goes:

Rule #1: If you eat out, eat half.

It took me a long time to figure this rule out. One of the reasons why we are all getting fatter is because restaurants have doubled the portions of basic retail food items. Supersized hamburgers are the most famous example here, but just about everything seems to have been blown up to 200 percent, including bagels and plates of spaghetti and meat sauce.

So I assume that I should eat about half of what the restaurant sells me. What do I do with the rest? I shove it to one side of my plate, get a second plate to put it on, get somebody to help me eat it, ask the waiter to put it in a doggy bag, or just dump it in the garbage if I can.

I know, throwing it in the trash is a terrible waste of food. But the food is no better used sitting on my belly or rump as fat. It's not my fault that restaurants sell me too much of the stuff. If you are with me, I'll be happy to split it with you, especially those huge chocolate muffins they sell in cafes.

Rule #2: Drink a lot of water.

We all need to drink lots of water. So get a water bottle, fill it up and drink! Drinking water keeps me from craving snacks. Unfortunately, it also makes me have to run to the head at inappropriate moments.

But the more water you drink, the less soda you'll drink. Soda is really bad. If you drink a sugary soda every day, you'll gain about 25 pounds in a year.

Rule #3: Eat carrots and apples.

They're very good for you, and they're convenient, crunchy, and sweet. I have an apple and coffee for breakfast, and it keeps me nice and filled up until lunch time. Carrots are just perfect in the afternoon because they're so easy to handle. I can eat them while writing. We're all supposed to eat five servings of fruit and vegetables, you know. Apples and carrots fill the bill, but you obviously can substitute your favorite crunchy veggies and fruits for mine.

Rule #4: NEVER eat anything out of a bag.

If I buy a big bag of potato chips and start eating out the bag, as sure as E = MC squared I will eat that whole bag of chips. God apparently intended it to be this way. So I never eat out of the bag. I take the bag, pour some chips into something smaller, and put the bag away. Or I offer the rest to someone else. Or I throw the goddman thing out (See Rule #1). This applies to everything you buy in a bag: nuts, candy, chips, trail mix—all of it.

Rule #5: Don't forget to share.

If you absolutely cannot resist buying some candy—M&Ms, peanut butter cups, yogurt chips, whatever—pour half in your hand (remember Rule #4) and offer the rest to somebody else: a friend, a stranger, whoever happens to be around. If they won't take it, toss the rest in the trash. Most bags of candy are huge like restaurant meals, anyway.

Notice that the Bernal Heights diet doesn't forbid you from eating junk food. It just offers you structured ways to eat less.

Rule #6: The deck of cards meat principle

Most of us eat way too much meat—beef, pork, chicken—and not enough vegetables and grains. The amount of meat on your dinner plate should approximate no more than the size of a deck of cards. And guess what? You don't have to eat meat every day. Eating meat isn't a symbol of prosperity; it's a symbol of waste.

Rule #7: Small is beautiful

Order a taco, not a burrito. Order a cup of soup, not a big bowl. Order a small latte, not a big one. Don't worry. If you don't feel like you got enough, you can always order more.

Rule #8: The three hour "Am I Hungry?" rule

Generally speaking, if I want to eat something substantial, I ask myself the following question: When was the last time I ate? If I ate something serious within the last three hours, it usually means I'm looking to fill some anxiety or strong feeling with food.

Rule #9: Ignore these rules from time to time.

If you are at the house of someone who has prepared an enormous, sumptuous meal for you, don't be an asshole: eat! Next day, exercise a little more. There's no better way to show your apprecation for someone else's cooking than to throw off the guilt and enjoy the meal.

The point here is that I'm not trying to diet; I'm trying to structure my eating so that most of the time I eat healthy. Bitter experience has shown me that if I try to reach dietary heaven, eventually I'll rebel and descend into dietary hell.

I hope you've found my rules at least somewhat helpful. If you've got similar, I'd like to learn about them.