Heidelberg -- A special force of TSA agents, armed with confiscated box cutters, has successfully captured the main ShamWow factory in Germany in a midnight raid.
The attack is believed to be the first of many that will be initiated by Congress’ new employment development program, called “Seize The Job.”
The US force surprised the dozen or so German grandmothers who were turning out thousands of the extra absorbent towels on the factory’s automated equipment. “They asked us to empty our pockets, and then they started dismantling our production line,” one of the workers said.
“The equipment will be reassembled in an abandoned Plymouth factory in Detroit for American workers to use,” said Congressman John Boehner (R-Ohio). “This is the first meaningful job development program to be started in the US since the premiere of American Idol.”
At the conclusion of his prepared statement, Boehner began to weep uncontrollably. “These are tears of joy,” he explained. “Has anybody got a ShamWow I can use?”
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-California) explained that Congress finally realized that the best way to provide jobs for unemployed Americans was to steal them from other countries.
“And I got to meet Vince, you know, the guy from the ShamWow infomercial,” Pelosi added. “He’s quite the picker upper.”
Pres., who worked with Boehner and Pelosi to develop Seize the Job, said that the program is just getting off the ground. “Watch producers in Switzerland, ball bearing facilities in Belgium, wonton kitchens in China, dung emporiums in Afghanistan, brie hives in France — these are just a few of our targets in the coming months.”
The President pointed out that TSA agents were chosen for the attacks because they have the capability to search themselves for contraband.
He added that no workers were harmed in the Heidelberg raid. “In fact, they seemed to enjoy the pat downs.”