Queen Elizabeth the Second, the British monarch has confirmed reports made by top scientists, that she and other royals regularly eat HUMAN flesh.
The admission came after Dr Richard Sugg of Durham University analysed ancient royal stool samples. David Icke and other wildly excited experts said after the news broke: 'See, I told you so!'
The Queen found she could no longer deny the reports that had curculatd for some time after being exposed by ex-royal flunkie Bertie Brathweight (who was until recently the official Burk of the Bed-Chamber, a post awarded to Bertie in 1930 and whose duties included performing the daily royal enema). The palace tried to suppress the story and Bertie was approached by a very posh man in a hat recently who looked at him 'Strangely'. This has led him to flee the country and he now lives under the assumed name Doris, somewhere in Spain.
Bertie said in the late 1930s there were strange goings on in the palace and that guardsmen regularly disappeared. After being given the job of doing the royal enema he noticed strange smells coming from the bowels that he had to sluice everyday.
'It turned your stomach!' Doris (Bertie) said yesterday by secret telephone. 'Something like fish poo, if you can imagine, like a sharks poo, or perhaps Blue Whale plop; nasty stuff. The queen's was the worst although Camilla's crap regularly busted the equipment because she doesn't chew properly.'
Now Queen Elizabeth has come clean about the claims it's rumoured that the royal flesh-eating was for medical reasons. David Icke has long said that Lizard Breath (or Elizabeth) needed to drink human blood to keep her human shape and that she would revert into a giant snail if this wasn't done regularly. This patently ridiculous theory palls into insignificance now the truth has been exposed.
'Apparently Charles 11 made his own punch from corpses.' Dr Sugg says in his new book. '..and this raises important issues for us today.'
He then goes on to suggest that the Queen isn't the only person who could get a longer life or a softer morning motion from eating murdered humans and that we should all try it at some point. Perhaps, he says, 'There's a granny no one will miss or an Aunt that no one likes any more, put them in a pot and make a fondu, that's nice, or even a Barbi now the summer's here.'
Dr Suggs human cook book is now available from Google books and Amazon.