LORD MUCK GUINNESS GROOM OF THE STOOL FOR QUEEN'S IRISH VISIT
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LORD MUCK GUINNESS GROOM OF THE STOOL FOR QUEEN'S IRISH VISIT

Dublin : Ireland | May 02, 2011 at 11:27 AM PDT
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The Groom of the Stool

The Groom of the Stool is normally an English groom or a male servant, who has the job of cleaning the Queen or King's arse, after a bowel movement. When the Queen goes on State visits overseas, sometimes the Groom of the Stool goes with her, on other occasions the honour falls to some selected individual, who can be absolutely trusted and cleared by all of Britain's secret services stringent security checks. A gentleman with the nickname of Muck Guinness who has served as the Queen's Praetorian guard in Ireland for many decades, has been chosen for the role, on the Queen's forthcoming state visit to the Irish free state.

Over the centuries the role of Groom of the Stool, has evolved into licking the Royal's arse, after they discovered a pleasurable sensation, when the Groom of the Stool acquired the art of what is contemporarily known as rimming. Henry VIII had Sir Henry Norreys, a Groom of the Stool executed, because he went a bit far performed his duties, on every orrifice of the King's wife's body, a woman who became Queen, otherwise known by the name of Ann Boylan who was from Ireland. Henry had her name changed to Ann Boleyn, because she worked as a prostitute in Laurencetown in County Galway and preferred the services of the groom's tongue to Henry's.

After the Ann Boylan episode and the execution, Henry VIII's awarded the title Groom of the Stool, to a minion of the King, who licked along with other court companions, who kept an eye on each other for the King, as they attended to the King whenever he had a bowel movement, they also carried out a variety of other tasks within his private rooms but this has been censored by Indymedia Ireland. The position of Groom of the Stool was especially prized, as it allowed unobstructed access to the Royal's attention.

The following is a list of those who have worked as Groom of the Stool in the British Royal Household, with the exception of the present incumbent whose name remains a closely guarded secret under the British Official Secrets Act but may have connections to Indymedia Ireland. However Muck Guinness has officially been chosen as trusted Groom of the Stool, to lick the Queen's Arse during her Irish visit. He is believed to have served his apprenticeship in this role, with various other officials from the other Palace along the Thames and is believed to have swallowed a considerable amount of endangered Royal faeces and urine already.

Queen Elizabeth is believed to poo sparingly and has been taking elecution lessons for her Irish trip, which includes her asking questions like, "Oi! Where's the Bog, Muck?" Bog is the English version of her potty. It is believed that she will travel to Ireland with her own toilet seat, so that her Royal Arse does not touch the same seat, as the arses of the Irish natives or the west Brit peasants. It is believed that Muck Guinness has unclogged septic's of hundreds of commoners from the other palace on the Thames before scrounging for arse biscuits, behind the Windsor's.

Originally the title Groom of the Stool referred to the stool of whoever the person served. So for example the Muck Guinness title would become Queen Lizzie's Arselicker. Later it referred to the long trailing robe of the Queen from the Latin stola, which Muck Guinness would be obliged to carry around Ireland after the Queen's visit. It is believed that Muck Guinness as holder of the position during the forthcoming Queen's visit will become a senior Lord of the Bedchamber or Prince-consort of the Queen's Man of the Robes. He will be officially known as Lord Muck of Londonderry.

Lord Muck has been preceded by the following;

Grooms of the Stool to Charles II

1660: William Seymour, 1st Marquess of Hertford

1660–1685: Sir John Granville

Grooms of the Stool to James II

1685–1688: Henry Mordaunt, 2nd Earl of Peterborough

Grooms of the Stool to William III

1689–1700: Baron Hans Bentinck

1700–1702: Henry Sydney, 1st Earl of Romney

Grooms of the Stool to Queen Anne

1702–1711: Sarah Churchill, Countess of Marlborough

1711–1714: Elizabeth Seymour, Duchess of Somerset

Grooms of the Stool to Prince George

1683–1697: John Berkeley, 3rd Baron Berkeley of Stratton

1702–1704: Henry Sydney, 1st Earl of Romney

Grooms of the Stool to George I

1714–1719: Lionel Sackville, 1st Duke of Dorset

1719–1722: Charles Spencer, 3rd Earl of Sunderland

1723–1727: Francis Godolphin, 2nd Earl of Godolphin

Grooms of the Stool to George II

1727–1735: Francis Godolphin, 2nd Earl of Godolphin

1735–1751: Henry Herbert, 9th Earl of Pembroke

1751–1755: Willem Anne van Keppel, 2nd Earl of Albemarle

1755–1760: William Nassau de Zuylestein, 4th Earl of Rochford

Grooms of the Stool to George III

1760–1761: John Stuart, 3rd Earl of Bute

1761–1770: Francis Hastings, 10th Earl of Huntingdon

1770–1775: George Hervey, 2nd Earl of Bristol

1775–1782: John Ashburnham, 2nd Earl of Ashburnham

1782–1796: Thomas Thynne, 3rd Viscount Weymouth

1796–1804: John Ker, 3rd Duke of Roxburghe

1804–1812: George Finch, 9th Earl of Winchilsea

1812–1820: Charles Paulet, 13th Marquess of Winchester

Grooms of the Stool to George IV

1820–1830: Charles Paulet, 13th Marquess of Winchester

Grooms of the Stool to William IV

1830–1837: Charles Paulet, 13th Marquess of Winchester

Grooms of the Stool to Prince Albert

1840–1841: Lord Robert Grosvenor

1841–1846: Brownlow Cecil, 2nd Marquess of Exeter

1846–1859: James Hamilton, 1st Duke of Abercorn

1859–1861: John Spencer, 5th Earl Spencer

Grooms of the Stool to The Prince of Wales

1862–1866: John Spencer, 5th Earl Spencer

1877–1883: Sir William Knollys

1883–1901: James Hamilton, 2nd Duke of Abercorn

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Lord Muck Guinness of the Stool
Lord Muck The Groom of the Stool performs his duties in the job of cleaning the Queen's arse.
BrianClarkenuj is based in Bangkok, Krung Thep, Thailand, and is a Reporter on Allvoices.
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