If you want to be young and fresh, laughter is the best medicine as many studies have shown. Always be happy and laugh out loud, READ THIS PEOPLE . . . .
A farmer wants to know how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his border collie to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them and runs back to the farmer. The farmer says, "How many?" The dog says, "40." The farmer is surprised and says, "How can there be 40 - I only bought 38!" The dog says, "I rounded them up."
Caffeine is proof that God loves us and wants us to pay attention.
If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. (thanks to Larry the K)
Where does virgin wool come from? Ugly sheep? (thanks to Larry the K)
If you're killed by a wild pig, does that mean you were boared to death?(thanks to Jeff Dudley)
Walking can add minutes to your life. That enables you at 85 to spend an additional 5 months in the nursing home at $7,000 per month. (thanks to Kay Young)
Marriage isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. I've run a marathon, and I was happy when it was over!
Quasimodo is sitting in the kitchen when his mother comes in, carrying a wok. He says, "I love Chinese food!". Quasimodo's mother says, "No, I'm going to use this to iron your shirts!" (thanks to Julian Jinjur, Esq.)
It's always I before E. Isn't that weird?
I ordered a honeymoon salad. It's lettuce, alone. (thanks to Larry the K)
Mexican firefighters are always paired up - Jose and Hose B. (thanks to Kartik Jaggi)
Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison. (thanks to Dan Althof)
If you want more time, wear more watches. (thanks to Dan North)
If you give someone a piece of your mind, are you left with peace of mind?(thanks to Celine McConville)
A sign in a store read "Only sightseeing dogs allowed". I wonder if you put a Hawaiian shirt and a camera on your dog, if he could get in. (thanks to Dan North)
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.(thanks to Gregory Seel)
A man was arrested for dressing up like a woman. He was charged with male fraud. (thanks to Dan North)
Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once. (thanks to Eric Snyder)
People from New York are called New Yorkers. Are people from Hamburg called Hamburgers? (thanks to Larry the K)
If you're going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. (thanks to Bob Morse)
About a month before he died, my grandmother covered my grandfather with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrels it could be done. (thanks to )
When my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport. (thanks to Larry the K)
A man got a blood transfusion, but the hospital ran out of blood - so substituted borscht. Now his heart never skips a beet. (thanks to Larry the K)
What did Ernie say when his best friend asked him if he wanted some ice cream? "Sure, Bert!" (thanks to Vin Thomas)
I like bananas, but they lose their appeal quickly. (thanks to Dan North)
I read a book on helium once. I couldn't put it down! (thanks to Darby)
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" The pharmacist asks, "You mean aspirin?" "That's it, I can never remember the word."