The first step in developing sexual fantasies is for a woman to read erotic stories without any goal except relaxation and enjoyment.
I started reading erotica around the age of 14. Initially I enjoyed the stories for sex information and as a light story. I also used to imagine what the men around me in everyday life might think of me sexually.
I don’t know that I would ever have considered combining clitoral stimulation (initially through my panties) with the use of sexual fantasies if I hadn’t read about female masturbation as well. I don’t remember exactly how I learned to bring my arousal to orgasm.
I’m fairly sure that the lights were off and that I was lying on my front, hands between my legs contemplating sleep. It was a natural and comfortable position in which to think about some sexual scenario.
Just as not every woman has the nurturing skills to make a good mother, not every woman has the sexual skills to be a good lover. A woman needs to be able to tune into male sexual fantasies. When it comes to her own sexual arousal, it helps if a woman sees herself as sexually attractive to men and if she takes pleasure in the knowledge that a man wants her sexually.
Fantasies do not always transfer to sex
My fantasies are nearly always based on stories that I have read. I wonder what women did before the invention of the printed word…
One of my favourites is ‘The Story of O’ by Pauline Reage. The story is set in a large mansion filled with men who use it as a country club but it is a brothel. The men are rich (of course), masculine and sexually experienced (they know what they want).
I like to fantasise about group episodes with many men who are either having sex with me or waiting their turn. One scenario is based on servicing men while they are dining around a long table. Some ideas are not ever likely to be enjoyable in reality.
“Women are turned on by what is done to them, men are turned on by what they see.” (p23 Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)
I have also found male homosexual erotica effective for arousal. ‘The King’s Men’ by Christian Fall tells the story of young Ned’s sexual adventures during the time of the English Civil War. ‘Hot Valley’ by James Lear is also an historical novel and follows the sexual exploits of Jack (who is a bit of a slut) in the New England of the 1860′s. Well, I like history…
Apparently, some women are able to use their sexual fantasies during sex. Unfortunately, other women are not able to generate the focus required to reach orgasm from fantasy when they are engaged in sexual activities with a partner.
Women who spend most of their lives in a long-term relationship (e.g. marriage) often never learn how to masturbate. Since men’s sexual pleasure is so much more easily achieved, a sexual relationship tends to revolve around male orgasm.
I found that, once I had a man in my bed, any suggestion of enjoying my own orgasm through female masturbation alone, led all too easily to my partner wanting to orgasm through sex. A man should positively encourage his woman to enjoy her sexual fantasies (if she has any) because enjoying orgasm keeps a person feeling young and sexually desirable.
By Jane Thomas founder of the female sexuality forum Ways Women Orgasm.