Knowing CPR Could Improve Your Dating Life
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Knowing CPR Could Improve Your Dating Life

Phoenix : AZ : USA | Jun 07, 2010 at 1:19 AM PDT
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Animal CPR

It’s a familiar scene to most of us. You walk into a room.Things seem a little askew. You see a dummy. You assess the situation. You look to see if it’s safe to approach the dummy. You shake the dummy while screaming, “Annie, Annie, are you ok?” There’s no response. You check for a pulse. Nothing. You put your ear to her lips to check for breathing. Nothing. You slowly tilt her head back and administer mouth to mouth. Still movement. Then you pound her chest frantically, looking for any sign of life. If you have ever been in this situation before, you know that I am talking about a first date, because let’s face it, sometimes going on a date, is as dramatic as trying to revive the dead.

I have found in my vast experience of dating, that the process for CPR and dating, is pretty much the same. Let’s break down those steps in the opening, and find out how knowing CPR can help your dating life. You walk into a room, for dating purposes, make sure this is a PUBLIC ROOM, and this is done for two reasons: (1) So you have an easy way out. (If things are not working out, you can always go the the restroom, and sneak out the back, and (2) you meet in public just in case you need witnesses!

Once you walk into the room, step one is: TO ASSESS THE SITUATION. Is the person standing before you someone you even want to go out with? If this is an internet date, you then have to assess, is there anyone in this room who remotely resembles the photographs you have seen? If the person you are supposed to meet is 29 years old, and you gaze around the room and don’t see anyone below the age of 60, now is your chance to go to the restroom and out the back door.

STEP TWO: Make sure it is safe to approach the dummy (date). First off, make sure there are no sharp objects or weapons close by. Word of advice, if you really want to make an impression on a first date, than clothing is NOT optional. Make sure you have some on, and that they are comfortable, clean, and pressed.

STEP THREE: is to shake the person and scream, “Annie, Annie are you ok?” Now this will really only work if his or her name is actually Annie. Physically shaking your date when you first meet them and screaming, might actually make you look like a nut. So, instead, I would suggest a friendly handshake or hug, with a genuine, “Hello, how are you.” This shows your date two things, that you are not afraid of physical contact, and you care enough about their well-being to ask. Hugging or handshaking also helps to break the tension.

STEP FOUR: is to check for a pulse. A ringtone should not be mistaken for a pulse. If the only way to get a responses from your date is to text message them during dinner, then perhaps this isn’t the right person for you. And contrary to popular opinion, the two worst things you can do on a first date is go to a movie, or to a nice dinner. When getting to know someone, you should do something fun, something that gets the pulse rate up…like hiking, going for a romantic walk, or swimming with sharks.

Regardless of what you do, during a date, you should focus on the other person no matter what. No wandering eyes, no checking cell phones, no preoccupation with work, past relatonships, or bank robberies. BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT..

STEP FIVE: is to put your ear up to their lips to check for breathing. I don’t find that breathing is 100% necessary for a date, but it sure helps. To find out if your date is breathing, ask questions that require more than a yes or no answer. There are pletnty of topics to discuss other than, “What happened to your last relationship?, Did I tell you my wife is still missing? And I met my last boyfriend on the prison bus.

STEP SIX: Offer mouth to mouth. If the date has gone well, tilt your date’s head back, and proceed with mouth to mouth. However, if the date has not gone well up to this point, and you offer mouth to mouth, you may wind up with irriatible bowel syndrome. So, choose this step very carefully.

If you have tried steps 1-6 to no avail, then implement step seven and get the heck out of there. If you assess that Annie, Annie is not ok, and your date has no pulse, and is no longer breathing, and doesn’t respond to mouth to mouth…then you are forced to beat their chest frantically, run, and leave them for dead, because that relationship is DOA.

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Bryan Emler is based in Phoenix, Arizona, United States of America, and is a Stringer on Allvoices.
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