Panama City, Panama – With the final announcement coming via news conference this evening, Panamanian President Juanofficially changed his country’s national anthem. In a shocking but undeniably badass twist, President Varela said his country will now pledge their allegiances to ’s Panama. The Panamanian president explained his decision as a way to get his country moving again.
“Everyone thinks we don’t matter just cause Manuelisn’t giving America a chance take our lunch money, but when they hear Eddie Van Halen’s shredding guitar they’re totally gonna think we’re awesome.” President Varela went on to address critics of this movement in Panama. His tone on the subject has not waivered since the prospect of such a change took serious shape during the summer.
“Let me be very clear: we are not going to let a bunch of short-haired squares ruin this for us. This is Panama’s time and no, I’m not cutting my hair either!”
The concept of adopting modern songs for national anthems is not a new one. India and Pakistan have long contested the Kashmir region that sits on their border. The main reason for conflict, other than nuclear weapons, terrorists, political bad blood and religious differences, lies in control of region and thus the right to use’s Kashmir as the national anthem. An unnamed source in the Pakistani government was quoted earlier this year on the subject.
“Are you kidding? Do you even have any idea how sick that would be? Instead of some song no one likes or even knows the words to, we could have’s drumming blowing everyone’s mind. You know he recorded that in a castle right? How could anyone hate on that?”