The New and Improved Afghanistan – a wonderful opportunity for Obama

The secret is out, at last. It has been rumored and whispered about for quite some time now, but a few influential journalists and columnists, and powerful politicians have determined that it is time to expose the secret, and that it is acceptable to talk about it loudly.

The New York Times, to its credit, has reported on front page that Ahmed Wali Karzai, the brother of President Hamid KarzaiHamid Karzai of Afghanistan, is on the CIA’s payroll. You know, you might consider him an employee or an agent of the CIA, presumably with full Health Insurance and Dental Care coverage, except that he is also CIA’s landlord, because the agency has leased a large parcel of land and a mansion he owns in a prime area near Kabul. That mansion was formerly owned by the notorious Mullah Omar. Some CIA employees and Special Operations troops stay at the mansion, and a paramilitary troop managed by the CIA, and known as the “Kandahar Strike Force”, also stays at the compound.

A significant source of Wali Karzai’s income is from the drug trade: he is the toll collector at the bridges that he controls, the bridges the drug merchants use to cross the Helmand River between the opium growing regions of Helmand Province and Kandahar. He collects huge fees from the drug merchants before permitting them to proceed.

While many have been dismayed and even many more have expressed outrage at the news, I look at the bright side of each outrage, calamity, or disaster. I see hidden opportunities for a politician and tactician like President Obama. Doesn’t every dark cloud have a silver lining?

Opportunity number 1. Because Obama is very fond of giving grand speeches – after all, he is an extraordinary orator – he can now plan to deliver a grand speech about his new plan for Afghanistan. The last time he flew to the compassionate and freedom-loving country of Egypt to deliver a grand speech about his plan for improving America’s relations with the Muslim world, and his grand plan to bring peace to the long suffering and miserable Palestinians. He delivered that speech from the magnificent Baronial hall of the University of Egypt in Cairo. To deliver his speech about the new Afghanistan, he can fly to the compassionate and freedom loving country of Libya, and deliver the speech from a magnificent, sprawling, air-conditioned tent in the serene landscape of a barren desert.

He can elaborate on his plan for a new and improved Afghanistan. The plan is quite simple, really. It’s based on the tried and tested and thoroughly proved and guaranteed to succeed principle used by the British around the world for centuries with stunning results: The principle of “Divide and Rule.” Divide Afghanistan into North Afghanistan and South Afghanistan. In South Afghanistan, the most important and powerful man is the very same Wali Karzai. He has a small army of armed men, employed by the CIA, who guard him. And he is behaving like a mafia-Don there any way, so put him on a throne and declare that he is the Shah of South Afghanistan. He will be the CIA’s puppet for life. He will rule the land with iron fist and as impressively as the Shah of Iran ruled Iran, with ample American support, of course. The CIA can accomplish it very easily because they have vast experience in this: Did it not overthrow the democratically elected government of Mohammad Mosaddegh in Iran in 1953 and replace it with the dictator, the Shah? Our most reliable allies, the freedom-loving British, French, and German governments will give their whole-hearted support for this plan.

That takes care of South Afghanistan. What about the North Afghanistan? It’s actually quite simple, really. Declare North Afghanistan as the 51st state of the USA. But first we must change the name, and give it a nice American-sounding name, for example: East Vermont. We already have a West Virginia, so East Vermont will create a nice balance.

But merely changing the name will not solve the problems of course. Our military can round up all the bearded men, the Taliban – instead of killing them with drones - and send them to South Afghanistan. Wali Karzai is an expert in handling the Taliban; after all, many still work for him. Moreover, he knows all the important Taliban leaders that matter, and frequently arranges meetings between the Taliban representatives and the CIA.

Now that all the Taliban have been cleared out, declare East Vermont as the new tourist destination. Create a new Disney in East Vermont. Instead of spending 30 billion dollars on war in Afghanistan, spend just one billion dollars to create a new Disneyland. Tourists will flock. It will help the struggling airlines and hotel industries also. The Australian government can then award its Peace Medal to President Obama, and the French government can award its Legion of Honor medal to Obama also. And we can all live happily ever after.

You see, it’s quite simple, really. Think about it.

Yesh Prabhu, Plainsboro, NJ