CELEBRITY BABIES!!!!!!

OMG! Elizabeth Hasselbeck is back! With baby stories!! This is what I live for- celebrity babies. I literally, LITERALLY eat, sleep and breathe celebrity babies. If I could stack up a pile of celebrity babies and create something that the government would recognize as an adult, I would marry that baby pile and retire to a tiny cottage nestled deep in the forests on the Pitt-Jolie estate.

My health is directly linked to how much celebrity baby coverage I see everyday. Like coffee, I need that instant jolt of Gosselin every morning before I can function. And if I can't see any new pictures of Bronx Mowgli Simpson-Wentz by dinner time, I'm throwing up. Not every once in a while, not some of the time, all of the time, always. I WILL throw up.

Sometimes I dream about being born as Kourtney Kardashinan's soon-to-be son. I even did some research into reincarnation. I thought if maybe I timed my death just right, my soul could land inside Kourtney's belly. The study was inconclusive.

Sometimes, people ask me why I'm so fascinated with famous people's children. You see, a few years back, I was working on an invention that dyes eggs faster, and I'm sitting there, spraying paint into a plastic bag, when I just passed out! But while I was asleep, I had the most magical dream; I flew upward into the night sky, out passed our atmosphere, beyond our own solar system, into perfect darkness. There, I heard a voice; it cried out, "...And guess which celebrity has been GARNER-ing a lot of attention with her recent baby announcement? Stay tuned to find out." I woke up after that. But here's the thing, the very dext day I found out Jennifer GarnerJennifer Garner was pregnant! Insane, I know. But ever since that day, I haven't been able to go more than two hours without a C B fix.

Here's the thing, though. I know something about you. I know you secretly love Celebrity babies too. "How?" You ask. well, if you're not paying attention to this shit, then why the f*** is Elizabeth Hazzelbeck's stupid baby the number one news story on Yahoo?

Jesus Christ.