"ENDING MY AGONY.."

At dusk, when the sun is about to hide and the darkness is about to arrive, I was alone in my room. I had thousands of questions in my mind that couldn’t be answered. I was drowning by the tears that are flowing off my face. It feels like all my dreams were shattered. I didn’t know what to do. I was confused. I was badly hurt and I wanted to stop my heart from beating so that the pain inside me would just subside. I wanted to end my agony. I was running out of reason to go on. I didn’t want to live anymore. I wanted to die.

So I decided to take away my life. I remembered that there is a blade in my wallet that I used to use when I’m shaving my eye brows. I took the blade and I didn’t even hesitate to cut myself. I cut my left hand over and over. The blood started to flow but I didn’t even feel that I was hurting because the pain in my heart is much more painful than the pain that I was inflicting into myself. I continued to cut myself until I became unconscious.

Next thing I knew is that my father broke the door of my room. He saw me bleeding. He cried out loud asking for our neighbors to help him to carry me so that they could rush me in the hospital. Our neighbors were shocked. They wondered what the hell I was thinking why I did such crazy thing. Then my father shouted on them “nanu pang pilawe-lawe yu, ot eyu kami sopan!” (What the hell are you looking, why don’t you just help us!). If I’m not mistaken, about five people carried me then, two on my feet, one on my head, one on my back and one holding my left hand. I tried to stop them from saving me since I really wanted to die. But I was so weak then that I couldn’t even move a single muscle.

I was hospitalized for a week. I had a major depressive disorder. The doctor advised me to see a psychiatrist for professional help. So I was under medication and under psychiatric test for almost three months. I took depressant pills and I also needed to take sleeping pills for I can hardly sleep. I even took other medicines to stop me from shaking because every once in a while I was being attack by nervousness.

My parents were extremely worried about me since they are afraid to lose me because I’m the only child that they have and I know that they love me more than they love themselves. They even asked religious help from our parish priest and a counselor.

I reconciled. That time I discovered that I was in the process of grief. Grief is the multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which we have formed a bond of attachment. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. Common to human experience is the death of a loved one. In my case, it was the lost of the person I love the most because of reasons which until now are not clear to me.

My grievance started when the guy I love went in London for his career. He is actually my third cousin and we were neighbors since birth. Some of his family members especially his grand mother and other closed relatives were not infavored in our relationship as lovers. They even threated him that if he won’t stop being with me then they will stop giving him allowance and they won’t help him to go abroad. My father was also againsts us.

Our relationship was indeed complicated. We were in love with each other. We were secretly going out together. We were doing the things that common lovers do like spending time with each other, hugging, kissing and the like. And yet our relationship was not official. We don’t have aniversary. We’re not committed by words but we were committed by hearts. But the sad thing is that we can’t not yet fight for our relationship since we didn’t have the means. I’m still studying and he didn’t have a job here in the Philippines though he is already a registered nurse.

He went in London on Septrmber 12, 2008. it was indeed one of the most confusing days of my life because I was happy for him that he is about to reach his dreams which is to work in abroad so that he could earn money then he could pay back to his relatives who were helping him in his studies and career. But on the other hand, I was sad because we will be far from each other and it is difficult to be in an long distance relationship. Still I looked on the bright side and thought that it will be for the betterment of our future. Besides, he will be in London for just a year and four months since he only has a student visa.

On the first month, he became busy since he was studying at the same time he was trying to find a job but still he send me few electronic mails. Days passed by, he became busier and busier. Busier than ever that he couldn’t even send me an e-mail. I tried to understand him. I kept on sending him e-mails but I got no response.

One day, a very closed cousin of mine told me that she saw my guy with somebody else in a picture that was posted in his friendster account. I didn’t have friendster accout then so I paranoidly looked the picture through my cousin’s friendster accout but when we saw the picture there were actually three persons in the picture, my guy, a closed relative and the mistery girl.

I e-mailed my guy and I asked him who is the girl in the picture but he didin’t reply. I can’t help myself but think who is the girl in the picture.

I became paranoid when Christmas came. People were happy celebrating the season while I’m experiencing a deep sadness. I can’t sleep at night. I can’t eat although most of my favorite foods were in the dinning table. It was the first Christmas that he was so far away and the worst he didn’t even bother to send me greetings. Despite of the depression, I kept sending him e-mails.

I checked his friendster account again only to find out that my guy and the girl in picture are now in a relationship. There was a caption in their picture that says “mine”. I knew that the word “ine” has a deep meaning for I remembered when my guy told me “how I wish I call you mine, and forever will be mine kaso we’re cousins kase. Kung di lang kita pinsan malwat nakung megcourt keka”. ( how I wish i call me mine and forever will be mine but unfortunately we’re cousins. If weren’t only cousins I had courted you long time ago.)

I can’t accept that my guy had already given up our ralationship. I kept on believing that my guy has a reasonable ground why he did that. I was in the stage of denial.

I continued to send e-mails to my guy but still he was not replying. Not even a single e-mail or a greetings since it was Christmas and new year is approaching.

Then I found out that the girl is already in her 30’s and I think she has a position in a hospital in London. That fact confused me even more. I started to think of the reasons why my guy chose her over me. Is it because he really fell inlove with her and he forgot about me? Is it because of practical reasons? Is it his free will or somebody is in control of his decision? A thousands of questions in my mind that were left unanswered.

I can’t stand the fact that whether it was his free will or not, still he left me. I felt like dying. I was so weak. I thought that the best solution would be ending my own life. I attempted to kill myself. But it was unsuccessful. I had just done the unthinkable and I was ultimately disgusted with myself.

Together with my parents, we transfered into another place far enough for me to forget the traumatic experience and for me to move on. And after months of medication, counseling and through the help of my parents, friends and those people who showed me that there are much more reasons to celebrate life, I found a new hope. I found reasons why I should continue living my life. They showed me that even though I lost the guy I love the most still I have them. And they made me realized that I shouldn’t make that guy be the center of my life but God should be in the center for when I find the kingdom of God everything will follow. i know in God’s time, all my questions will be answered. everything happens for a reason. With my experience of attempting to end my life, I am not proud of it. But if I can save even atleast someone's life with my story, then I guess it’s worth telling.