Close to God, Far From Church

My sister and I were brought up under a steadfast regiment of extreme Christianity by way of my father’s tutelage. My mom was not that strict over matters of God. I distinctly remember that once my mother divorced my father, I felt as though a weight had been lifted from my chest. I was free to truly breathe for the first time in my life.

Perhaps my sister reacted differently to the divorce because she was five years older than me (and still is). I was about 13; she was about 18, and getting close to living on her own. As far as I knew, she reacted in a similar way as me, but it was I who seemed to be obligated to visit our father on the weekends and attend church on Sunday. Since she was a legal adult, perhaps she didn’t feel obligated to do so.

I feel that the first years of my life turned me off to organized religion, and when I had a choice whether or not to go to church, I chose not to do so, save for one chance at it on my own.

I remember years later, when I was in college, that I did find a church of my own. Initially, it was a place I felt comfortable, like I could be myself. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of taking my father with me one Sunday. Before the service even started, he was already telling me, “I don’t like this church; they don’t speak in tongues here.”

To which I replied, “… Ok, good… neither do I!”

To this day, my father still tries to get me to pray in tongues, and I gracefully decline to acquiesce. If you don’t already know, praying in tongues is supposed to be the “perfect” form of prayer, sort of like speaking with your soul, because your human side can’t interfere when it doesn’t know what the soul is saying, since you are mumbling nonsensical gibberish. I prefer to know what I am praying for, plus I felt like a complete jackass when I attempted to do it, and I felt like everyone around me that was doing it looked completely insane. That sort of thinking is what encouraged my dad to do it all the more. If there was one thing I can give my dad credit for, it’s that he never cared what others thought about him when it came to worship.

So I went to my church, he went to his. But eventually I had a falling out with one of the people that introduced me to the church in the first place.

During a bible study, he just flat out told me, “Derrick, you are not saved.”

I didn’t immediately react, but after that bible study, I immediately stopped going to that church. I didn’t feel like returning to a place where such a brash judgment was made upon my character by a person who, in comparison to many, really barely knew me.

I thought back to the time when I first started going to the church, and I realized I only started going because I thought the girl who invited me to go in the first place was physically attractive. I almost felt like she took advantage of my attraction to her.

I’ll be the first to admit it: when it comes to girls, my poker face is horrible. My father didn’t exactly endow me much in the way of skills for communications with the opposite sex (Come to think of it, we never discussed talking with girls). So this girl saw right through me and got me into church, then I barely ever saw her again! I almost feel like I was recruited, and to me, that doesn’t seem right.

So now, this man was telling me that I am not a saved Christian in good standing with God, and the reason I never returned to that church is that I had a big problem with that for a number of reasons.

First of all, what right does any person have to make a statement about someone else’s standing with God? That is a bold assumption on any level. How can any of us know what God’s thought process is, pertaining to any other person but ourselves?

Naturally, there are cases when it seems obvious to spot someone who is not saved, but I still refuse to assume that someone is destined for Hell just because of what I physically see, because I am a flawed human being, and I don’t see everything that God sees. I only see that which is in front of me.

That is part of the reason I gave up on going to church, or going to bible study, or anything beyond a basic theological discussion. I feel that church is a good starting point for people to get acquainted with whatever God, or whatever version of one particular religion’s God, they choose to follow. But eventually, a bird has to fly from its nest. I had to walk away from an organized setting to really know God, because God isn’t in a building. To me, He is every aspect of the universe around us.

I was also weary of the “image contest” aspect that I had encountered in many places of worship. So many of the people I saw at church were in a cold war against everyone else in the congregation over who is the bigger, better Christian. I stopped going to church, because I didn’t feel I needed to compete with others for God’s little gold star of approval. No God that I wish to worship works like that.

Again, this is all my personal belief, take it or leave it: The fundamental flaw of having a middle man between you and a relationship with God is just that! There is a middle man when there shouldn’t be! No man should be exalted over another. I don’t subscribe to the concept of a pope, and I don’t feel that a priest should be your spokesperson when you need to talk with God. Why can’t you talk to God one-on-one like your best friend? Is that not reasonable?

I feel that in order for one to have a personal relationship with God, one must not be guided by another conduit. If someone else is telling you how God is, how can the message be pure? A human doctrine will always be a flawed one. For me, that includes the Bible itself.

Do I believe that the Bible is a good book? Yes. I believe that it teaches you strong morals and values. Do I believe that the definitions of every word have been untouched over the course of the past thousands upon thousands of years? No. How could anything that’s been around for that long remain unscathed, especially when the original scriptures were translated into Latin from the original texts, then further translated into every language that is currently spoken on this earth over time? I believe in the strong possibility that the book we see today is very much altered from the original version, because humans had a hand in it, and it is extremely possible that even the most pious of humans could have had a personal agenda when they got their hands on the scripture, not matter how pure their intent.

Ultimately, I don’t feel that I, or anyone, can tell someone else how to travel through their life’s journey. Everyone goes through unique and different problems and obstacles from the cradle to the grave. I don’t believe a rich man can tell a poor man how good God is, and expect that poor man to take them seriously.

I may be a hell of a lot more inclined to buy what that rich man is selling after he ends up walking the path of Job, to have everything taken from him, and still be able to smile and say how wonderful God is. In other words, I think it would be more likely to find that man impassioned by bitterness toward his deity should a tragic fate befall his existence.

Furthermore, I have come across many Christians in my life, and some of them are surprisingly inconsiderate and downright mean, and somehow do not even realize it. There has been many times where I’ve seen a Christian act so critically negative toward another person, regardless of their faith, (including members of their own) that I wonder if they are just completely oblivious to the picture they are painting of themselves and those whose camp in which they reside. It almost feels like they think they have a right to be completely oblivious to the trappings of this life, and the feelings of others, because they can just go back to church on Sunday and get clean all over again.

I am pretty sure that God is all powerful, and all-forgiving, but I also doubt he is so naïve as some think him to be.

I am far from perfect, and my views are probably way off to some of you out there. All I can tell you is the way I choose to traverse this life, and live well to that end. For that, I will make no apologies. I know who God is to me: Pure love, with no room for the petty stupidity and quibbling that seems to preoccupy mankind so vehemently now more than ever. In my personal walk, I don’t believe that attending church is necessary, but I don’t fault the man who sees it so.

I don’t think God will hold it against either of us.