Example of Scriptpalozza's Development Coverage.

TITLE: The Perfect Son AUTHOR: Frank Mackey GENRE: Drama PERIOD: Present LOCALE: Suburbia SERVICE: Regular Coverage ANALYST: Name of Analyst LOGLINE: After her college-age son is accused of rape, a mother struggles with herself, her family, and her community.

Synopsis.

GLORIA WALTERS, 40s, mother of three, is talking with her friend and neighbor JUDY GRANT. Gloria's son CHAD, a college freshman, has spent the night in jail with three off his fraternity brothers. Gloria's worried because she doesn't want to believe that her son is drinking alcohol. Judy reminds her how much they drank at that age.

DAVID WALTERS, her husband, arrives home with their son CHAD WALTERS. He doesn't want to talk to his mother, and goes upstairs almost immediately. David tells Gloria that Chad is a suspect in a rape case. He's hired Carol Jenkins, an attorney, to defend Chad.

In their living room, CAROL JENKINS reports to David and Gloria that it looks like the girl was gang raped, so Chad is going to have to submit to a complete physical workup the next morning. The rape victim, Elizabeth Manning, is in critical condition, and the district attorney is out for blood. Just then LILY WALTERS, 12, Chad's little sister, arrives home, but she's sent up to her room because the conversation is so serious.

With his parents watching, Carol interrogates Chad about the night of the rape. He confesses that he was kissing Elizabeth earlier that night; which he didn't tell the police; but maintains that he didn't rape her. He storms out of the room. Carol decides that she needs to talk to him alone.

That night, Gloria tries to help calm Chad down, but he ignores her. Later, she reassures Lily that her older brother didn't do anything wrong, and isn't going to prison. They discuss Lily's impending puberty. Lily's excited about her all-girl sleepover coming up that weekend.

In their bedroom, David and Gloria have an argument. Gloria doesn't want Chad to be subjected to a physical workup because she's convinced that he couldn't have done the rape, but David says that Chad needs to follow due process.

Gloria gets several phone calls from Lily's friends' mothers. They won't let their daughters spend the night at the Walters' house because of Chad. Gloria is furious. Judy comes over and offers to have Lily's sleepover party at her house. Gloria is insulted by this gesture; her son Chad is NOT a rapist. Just then, a newscaster on television broadcasts Chad's name in connection with Elizabeth Manning rape. The family is stunned. Gloria changes her mind. She tells Lily that her sleepover party is going to be held at Judy's house that weekend.

At the hospital, Chad whispers to his parents that he talked to the three other guys, and that they're denying any involvement in the rape. DR LARSON escorts him into the sterile examining room. Gloria tries to follow him, but Chad reminds her that he's grown up now. Dr Larson explains to Chad the power of DNA evidence to incriminate or exonerate a defendant. Meanwhile, Carol has good news: The blood type underneath the victim's fingernails doesn't match Chad's blood type.

Two weeks later, the family is enjoying a board game when Carol arrives breathless with bad news: the DNA matches Chad's. A minute later, the police arrive and arrest Chad for the rape of Elizabeth Manning. His mother bawls as he's led away in handcuffs.

At the station, he's interrogated by a DETECTIVE. Carol is present in the room. Chad finally admits that he had sex with Elizabeth, but that it wasn't rape. The detective is pleased by his admission, but Carol is understandably furious. She tells his parents that it was consensual sex. They wonder if he called the other boys (against the court order). They know that he called Michael, the only one who's been exonerated. Gloria wonders when she lost control of her son.

Over coffee, Judy delicately mentions the possibility that Chad really did rape Elizabeth. Gloria is furious. She breaks off their friendship.

In court, Carol defends Chad in front of JUDGE PRESTON, female, 60s. The PROSECUTING ATTORNEY says that Chad orchestrated the gang rape of Elizabeth as a rite of initiation. When he says that Chad Walters is a rapist, Gloria runs out of the courtroom and throws up. In the bathroom, she meets MRS GAITLIN, the mother of Vince Gaitlin, one of the other two boys who've been charged with rape. Gloria sees that Mrs Gaitlin is in deep denial that her son could've been involved in a rape.

Judge Preston determines that there is indeed enough evidence to have a trial. She holds Chad on $250,000 bail. Outside the courthouse, Carol leads Gloria and David through the media storm.

At home, David goes through their finances and announces that they can have David out in two weeks, if they take a second mortgage on the house. Surprisingly, Gloria tells him that she doesn't want to bail out Chad. She's convinced that he's a rapist. David tells her that she's sick. Gloria goes to see DR GONZALEZ, who gives her an anti-anxiety medication.

Later, we learn that the family is having a difficult time with this. David had his request for a second mortgage denied; Chad is still in jail ; and Lily is getting harassed at school. Judy doesn't want to renew her friendship with Gloria either. Gloria notices a suspicious bruise on Lily's arm. Chad calls from prison, but Gloria won't speak to him. She won't go to visit him either.

While David and Lily visit Chad in prison, she drives to the hospital and visits Elizabeth Manning, who's still in a coma. She speaks to Elizabeth and cries. Elizabeth silently squeezes back ; then begins to crash. Elizabeth's parents arrive and demand to know who Gloria is. They scream at her for having raised a rapist. Doctors rush in and begin reviving Elizabeth.

David screams at Gloria for being a hypocritical, spineless woman who won't defend her own son. Someone throws a rock through their living room window. They send Lily to go live with her grandmother. She says a tearful farewell to her mother.

Gloria is verbally attacked by several people at the grocery store, until Judy steps in and defends her. Afterwards, the two women make up. Judy knows that Gloria is going to need a lot of support for the upcoming trial.

Gloria decides, at last, to visit her son in prison. His face has been pulverized in a fight. She's furious, and she goes to see WARDEN MANNING, who just happens to be Elizabeth Manning's father. He lets her know that Chad has also been raped in the showers, and that he isn't going to do anything to prevent further attacks on her son. Gloria attacks Manning, and is pulled away by several guards. Later, Carol calms her down, and recommends not suing Manning or the prison. They should focus on getting Chad out of that prison as soon as possible.

An ATTORNEY files a suit to keep all three boys in prison on account of the fact that the community would feel threatened if they were released. Nonetheless, Judge Preston allows Chad to be released on bail; but he must stay under house arrest.

In their living room, a police officer affixes the tracking device to Chad's wrist. Later, upstairs, Chad apologizes to his mother, and cries in her arms. Afterwards, Gloria and David kiss each other, happy.

Next day, Judy comes over and tells them that Elizabeth Manning just came out of her coma. This is good news: whatever she says about the night she was raped will either clear or condemn Chad. Judy drives Gloria over to the hospital. The doctor announces that Elizabeth can't talk to anybody for at least two days.

Chad sits at home, champing at the bit, wanting to get out. He's nervous about the trial.

In the courtroom, they watch a videotaped deposition of Elizabeth in her hospital bed giving her version of the events of that night. Elizabeth gives a very favorable portrayal of Chad. She thought he was nice and funny. She says that they had sex, but that he didn't invite the other guys into the room. She also says that he tried to save her from the other guys who raped her. She says that the other guys belong in prison, but that Chad deserves freedom.

Carol urges the judge to dismiss the case, but the prosecuting attorney says that Elizabeth's recollection of events is fuzzy. Judge Preston decides to dismiss the case against Chad. The Walters family is overjoyed.

Chad plays with his sister at home. Everybody's happy. He takes a bouquet of roses and visits Elizabeth in her hospital room. He tells her that he's transferring to another college, but that he would like to stay friends. Mr Manning apologizes to Gloria.

Chad packs his bags and leaves for his new university. Gloria gives him the lucky bracelet that Lily gave to her.

Premise.

This script is built upon a high-concept premise about rape. It's better suited for the Movie Of The Week television market than the feature film market. The reason is simple: Most MOWs are usually tear-jerking dramas about some pressing social issue, and are marketed towards adult women. This script fits that description perfectly.

First Twenty Pages.

Many of the best feature screenplays begin with MOVEMENT. Thrillers, for example, will often begin with a visceral, gut-churning automobile accident. This summer, Steven SpielbergSteven Spielberg's Minority Report begins with a harrowing ten-minute sequence demonstrating the precog unit's ability to arrest people before they commit a crime. Even the comedy Legally Blonde begins with a girl bicycling an envelope across a busy college campus.

This story, however, begins with a dull scene of two women, Gloria and Judy, having coffee in the dull kitchen of a dull suburban house. How is this supposed to grab us emotionally? Where is the suspense? It's the writer's responsibility to make the ordinary extraordinary -- but you haven't done that. Remember that you only get one chance for your characters to make a first impression. It's of vital importance that you introduce them in a way that is germane to the rest of the story. It's a good rule of thumb to open your story with your main character DOING something. Not just talking.

I was frustrated by the casual way that you introduced the news that Chad may have been associated with a rape (p 4). This is the central conflict of the story. A better way to reveal this conflict would be to build an entire scene around it. Gloria should approach her son gingerly to discuss his night in jail ; and only then learns that he's a suspect in a rape case. It would be much more emotionally shocking to the audience than having David mention it offhandedly.

Furthermore, Chad himself is a problem because we don't know what kind of a person he is. He's a complete zero during the first twenty pages. You haven't given him a personality.

Structure.

The script's main conflict begins too suddenly. Chad, Gloria, and David are suddenly thrust into trouble on p 1, but this is problematic because we don't know them yet. I would begin the story with a few scenes establishing the Walters as an ideal suburban family. Create a Norman RockwellNorman Rockwell mood. Watch the beginning of Oliver StoneOliver Stone's Born on the Fourth of July for a good example of this. Then you can introduce the inciting incident around p 15.

I had a lot of questions about the rape. Where did the rape occur? How did Elizabeth Manning get in critical condition? What sort of weapon was used to beat her? Conversely, if Chad really tried to beat up his buddies who were raping her, like Elizabeth said, why didn't he have any bruises on his face? We don't get any of these questions answered until p 90, and some don't get answered at all. Your audience won't get interested in this case until they know more about the details. You focus on the emotional side of this story, but it comes at the expense of the analytical side.

There's a problem with the scene on pp 17-23. Gloria gets cancellations for the sleepover party from Lily's friends' mothers BEFORE the news about Chad is broadcast on television. It would make more sense if the broadcast came first. Then Gloria's phone could start ringing off the hook with cancellations from mothers who saw the broadcast.

During the two weeks while the family is waiting for news about Chad's DNA test, you have the opportunity to establish suspense. But you don't. Instead, there's a short montage on pp 28-29 of the family playing a board game while Gloria tells us in voiceover that "everything went back to normal." This is absolutely wrong.

You should take several pages to enact some emotional reversals within Gloria that will increase the devastating power of the news of the DNA match. Here's how:

1) Show Chad reassuring his mother that he didn't rape the girl.

2) Show his mother starting, for the first time, to doubt her son's story.

3) Show them have an enormous fight where she accuses him of lying.

4) Show the reconciliation. His mother ends the sequence more sure than ever that her son is innocent.

Then and only then should you deliver the news about the DNA match. You will have set up the audience to believe in Chad's innocence. Remember the importance of "torturing" your main character.

Next, your use of coincidence on p 68; when we discover that Elizabeth Manning's father just happens to be warden of the prison where Chad is being housed -- is really questionable. Rule of thumb says that coincidences shouldn't be used after the midpoint of the story.

Lastly, the final scene of the story is anticlimactic. Elizabeth relates the exact same version of events as Chad, and his case is dismissed. There's simply no surprise, which is the cardinal sin in screenwriting. As famed story structure guru Robert McKee says, the screenwriter's job is to provide an expected ending in a completely unexpected way.

Character.

The most striking thing about this script is its emotionality. It's not a story about a rapist; in fact, we aren't even allowed inside the character of the rapist. This is a story about the emotional journey of the rapist's mother.

That said, Gloria makes an interesting journey. She travels through the standard stages of mourning; shock, denial, anger, and depression. However, she ends the story on a positive note of personal redemption.

There are many moments when her reactions seemed too syrupy, though. The scene on p 57, for example -- when she visits Elizabeth and cries at her bedside -- is one of those moments. As the coma-ridden Elizabeth silently squeezes Gloria's hand, my Melodrama Meter went off. Please rewrite this scene so that it's a little more restrained. You don't have to drown Gloria in her own tears for the movie to be emotionally wrenching. (In fact, a mother who cries when her son goes to jail is less dramatic than a mother who DOESN'T cry when her son goes to jail. Just something to think about.)

Her husband David is a much more stable character. He's more analytical. He's happy when he's doing something to fix the situation. This is a very typical difference between men and women, and it's really quite well observed. The way that David covers for Gloria's absence on the telephone and in the visitation room is excellent. It shows how much he cares for his wife, as well as how much he wants to preserve his family.

Lily, however, is too bouncy for a 12-year-old girl. Anyone who's lived with a pre-adolescent female will vouch for the fact that they are usually moody, sullen, and irritable. But you've drawn Lily as though she were a perpetually happy and energetic six-year-old boy. In fact, the first time she appears in the story, she leaps into the arms of her 18-year-old brother and declares that she's "glad he's home" (p 9). This is very suspicious. Older brothers are infamous for torturing their younger sisters. I don't think a preadolescent girl would be very happy to see her teenage brother come home.

Lastly, Chad is not drawn convincingly because he has no personality to speak of. He is never faced with any difficult choices that will define his character. Therefore, the audience can't feel bad for him when he's raped in jail. Neither can we feel good for him at the climax when his case is mercifully dismissed by the judge.

I'd suggest that you rewrite Chad's character to give him an arc, a transformation over the course of the story. Maybe he could begin the story as a cocky, arrogant college superstar who gets caught in his own lies about whether or not he had sex with Elizabeth. Then, as the script progresses, he could gradually pay for his hubris. You could even show him crying and bleeding after the prison-shower rape scene, and he could say something which indicates that he feels that he's paid for his sins. And that's how Chad learns humility. It would make Judge Preston's decision feel more deserved -- and more just -- at the end.

Dialogue.

Your dialogue needs to be trimmed. Sometimes you use three sentences where only one or two are needed. Remember that in feature film dialogue, less is more. Actors, good ones, at any rate will convey an astonishing amount of emotion through their physicality. You don't need to state everything.

Also beware of using on-the-nose dialogue. On p 54, for example, David says very obvious, predictable things to Chad on the telephone. Remember that your characters should never say the things we expect them to say. Learn how to make your characters talk around the actual conflict without addressing it directly. Watch any episode of The West Wing for an excellent example of how this is done.

Also, lines such as "Thank you, Emilia" (p 50) are really unnecessary. Niceties have no place in film, unless they're essential to a character.

The voiceover on p 70 is unnecessary. Voiceover is best used when the person either 1) provides hugely necessary information, or 2) speaks in counterpoint to what is happening on the screen. (See Woody AllenWoody Allen's movies for several excellent examples.) But Gloria doesn't do either. She just ruminates on things that we already see visually. Take it out.

Setting and Tone.

For the first third of the story, the tone is dull because you've chosen to use several bland cliches in your descriptions. For example, on p 1 you describe the setting as "Middle America suburbs" with "perfectly manicured lawns". On p 3 you describe Chad as "a good-looking All-American boy". On p 12 you describe Lily's bedroom as a "typical girls' room". The truth is that, even though screenplays are not meant to be read by the general public, they have to be well-written to get past the many onion-like layers of people in the film business. The descriptions you've provided don't help readers like myself imagine anything special.

Later in the script, however, the tone veers towards the melodramatic. This is very bad. In fact, there are four scenes that feature Gloria crying her heart out:

1) the scene when Chad is arrested,

2) the scene when Chad is in court,

3) the scene at Elizabeth's bedside,

4) the scene when Lily is shipped off to her grandmother's

Making a character cry is not an automatic recipe for a good drama. Characters should cry very rarely, if at all, and their tears must be supported by the emotional structure of the sequence. Otherwise, we just roll our eyeballs at the sappiness.

I also noticed that there are very few exterior or outside scenes. Try to remember that film is primarily a visual medium. You should vary the settings so that the audience's eyes aren't bored. Also, try adding more visual transitions to help the director.

There are several good screenwriting books that I would suggest you read and absorb. The best one is Story, by Robert McKee (he also teaches a famous series of classes). I'd also suggest Lew Hunter's Screenwriting 434 as well as anything by Syd Field (he has several titles). There is an excellent website, www.developmentheaven.com, which gives a detailed analysis of the teachings of all the major screenwriting gurus. Follow the general principles that these gentlemen suggest, and you won't go wrong. Good luck.

Is this something that you would want to pay $275.00 for, when you can get your script bashed and insulted for free?. I tell you what I think would be fun to do to these people is to take an award winning script from say 25 to 40 years ago change the title keep every thing else the same and see if they tear it apart, and if they did then you could the tell them that this is a previously produced award winning script, that won an award probably before they were born, that would be funny.