New Band Takes Country By Storm! Not Really....

A band I managed for exactly the time it took me to write this.

….the CD's are going to say Stillborn Afterlife- i know because they asked my advice on whether or not for promotional purposes if it would be in their best interest to include the name of their band. This should have been the first red flag. They said it'll be the same standard cd sleeve they've been using forever, but that it'll be different this time because they're going to fit in not just the Aerosmith qoute but all the other one's, this time the CD will come in a big cardboard box and the box will be covered with quotes, quotes from the Boston Globe, The New York Times, The Wisconin Monitor, The Reno Ragtime, the Cincinatti Sentinal (Top Story! Does Anyone In Cinnsinatti Actually Know How To Spell Cinncinnatey?) The Sacremento Sacrement, (Top Story! Church To Start Giving Out Candy-Coated Wafer At Mass, Top Clergy says, "The new wafer's not only taste grrrrrreat! but can also be used as floatation devices during baptism!" Top Story! (under the fold) baptismal drownings down by 20%!) The Denver Denverino (Top Story! The Mile High City Changing To Metric's! City In A Panic: "We're No Commie's!") The Virginian Virgin (Topstory! Local Teens Make Chastity Pledge! Parents Suspicious, "What About The "Inside The Park Homerun?"") The Floridian Piss-Flap, The San Diego Spastic, The Connecticut Confession (Top Story! State Comes Out of Closet! Governor: "Ok, we admit it, we're the gayest state ever!" Local Rabbi: "It's always eenbay an actfay that the gentile's of Connecticut are gayer than Christmas") The Winnipeg Whiner (Top Story! Local Resident: "My Tummy Huuuuurts"), The St. Louis Liar-Liar Pants On Fire (Top Story! Mayor Warns City: "Stop, drop and roll! And if that doesn't work, wrap your head in bubble gum and stick it in the dryer!"), The Pheonix Pheonix, The Dakota FanningDakota Fanning (Top Story! Hometown Girl Makes Good!) The Delaware Dragnet (Top Story! Congressmen Cries, "Yes, we are…small, in fact, if you must know…we may be the smallest…but listen here! It's not the SIZE of the ship! It's the MOTION OF THE OCEAN! Just ask Rhode Island!") and many, many others...covering the box, quotes upon quotes upon quotes on top of quotes! Quotes inside of quotes, the works! The last of which being from The USA Hooray For The USA (Top Story! Stillborn Afterlife Takes The Nation by Storm! The AP reports that a child was killed Friday when a he was struck in the head by a flying box. The box contained only a CD, but upon being weighed by local authorities, it was found to contain 86 pounds of quotes! The box was later determined to actually weigh only 80 pounds after investigators found that the CD contained -6 pounds of brilliance. The boy's funeral is being postponed in the interest of not putting a damper on the show. Stillborn Afterlife could not be reached for comment, but their publicist, who demanded the box be re-weighed due to the "scientific unreliability of such brilliance measuring sticks" released this statement: "while the death of the kid was a bummer, we feel it is in the best interest of the band and of all the millions of fans, not just here in Cambridge...but in Boston, and the whole country- including, Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico and those other islands around there like The District of Colombia, Japan, Mr. Miyagi, Atlantis, South America, the equator, the Statue of Liberty, France and all of Europe- including Russia, all the Korea's, China, Checklosl...and all those other countries around there- like the Middle East, the North Pole, Santa Clause, the South Pole, Jesus (all prayers have now been routed to Stillborn Afterlife for answering), India, Chile's, Central America…like Ohio and the one with all the cornfields, Africa and all the countries in Africa like New…Mexico and South Dakota...and to all our fans in outer space who hear us by satellite- that the kid's funeral should really be something that everyone can just forget about, like especially the family… cuz bummers are just like....you know, bummers! and can totally effect ticket sales, which will now be handled by Ticketron which has over-taken the world as the biggest corporation to ever sell tickets ever. thank you, and god bless each and every one of you...who buy a T-shirt."

Reporting from Great jones Street, Eli Higgins