A Feared Based Existence - The Externalized Original Wound

I grew up in a household where violence and drug use was the norm. It was much later in life that I began to see that what I experienced as normal, wasn't.

At age five, I didn't know that my father pushing my mother to the ground was an act of violence, that it was wrong. As a matter a fact, since my brother and me witnessed this, it was dismissed and made into a family joke, "remember when dad pushed mom down?". I heard this "joke" over and over growing up and had literally normalized this behavior beyond recognition.

My father and mother were addicts. My father's primary drugs were alcohol and sex, and while my mother drank as well, her drug was more along the lines of manipulated others to meet her emotional needs. All of this behavior led to more violence. My fathers drug use and sex and my mothers manipulation didn't do what they had hoped it would do, take away the emotional pain they suffered as children.

At this point I want to state that this is not a witch hunt. My story isn't intended to make my parents out to be bad people. It's about cause and effect. It's, my opportunity to tell my truth, aloud. To address these issues in my own life with the intention of ending my self defeating beliefs of myself and my violent behavior. To stop viewing myself as a victim. To free myself to be the only thing I've ever wanted to be, my authentic self.