"Can I Touch Your Hair...?"

A chance to teach.

I remember my first semester at Michigan State University. I was a long way from home, embracing independence and meeting people mostly from across the state. As on of my initial English papers, I was assigned to report on a racially relevant issue that was still affecting society. I chose to research interracial dating since it was a topic I knew EVERYONE had a different opinion about. To my surprise, some answers helped me realize some truth to where I was and who I was around...

The group of people I remember interviewing the most was an all men's floor, consisting of Asians, African-Americans and Whites. Many members of the Asian population had attended schools where the miniroty percentage was 30%. However, the African-Americans and Whites had attended schools consisting 90-95% of people within their race only.

As I began the interview process, I noticed a growing discomfort as I asked whites in particular about dating outside of their race. One white floor member, who was everyone's floor favorite, had a hard time even imagining a relationship with someone of Mexican descent when I asked him. Squirming in his chair, beer in hand, he offered a friendly smile and said, "I can't even imagine being initimate with someone like that. That would be...really weird."

Another White floor member continued to gaze at me with big green eyes as I asked my interview questions. "So," I continued, "Do you see yourself dating a black person? Like...at all?" Hesitantly, he looked down. "Did you have any black friends in High School?" I asked. "Well, the only black people I saw were in the grocery store," he finally answered, "I was surprised to hear you speak when we first met because you don't sound how I thought you would..." Gathering from our conversation that his exposure to any minority beyond a 'hi' and 'bye' in the hallway or store was highly unlikely, I took the conversation a step further. "So what do you know about black girls beyond the girls you've met on campus so far?" Again, he looked down, but this time, bashfully. It dawned on me that his lack of knowledge didn't come from a a hatred or racism inside of him, but was a direct result of who he was raised around and where he was raised. For me, it wasn't the time to make fun of, or belittle ignorance, it was a time to teach. After all, I don't know everything about every race that's not my own. As we concluded our discussion, I finally asked him, "Do you have any...questions? Like, about..black people?" His green eyes widened, but his shy manner still remained. As we stared at eachother, he finally asked me: "Well like, your hair..." he began, "...Can you like get it wet?" I can honestly say my thoughts and actions contradicted at this moment! Even though I couldn't believe I was being asked this, I calmly responded, "Yeah. I wash it all the time, just like you. It's just that I wait a week because my hair is different than yours. I don't wash it everyday" As our racial understanding breakthrough continued, he asked his final question, "...Can I touch it?" I sat infront of him, in complete disbelief that a question so simple was asked as if I were a science project. But again, it was not the time to get angry. Willingly, I answered, "Yeah, sure" ::stroke, stroke:: A racial stereotype is broken in the moment of reality.

Even though I was grateful to have such an experience, it ESSENTIAL to note that this story is NOTan accurate representation of each white person I befriended on campus. These were 2 people, chosen to participate in my interviewing group sample, that happened to expose a whole lot more than I thought I would get out of their time. But on the flip side, how many blacks can say that they take the time to really analyze WHY they themselves think of whites or any other race the way that they do? Everyone is influenced by who THEY are around and WHERE THEY live. If people who are ignorant are instilling values in you, why wouldn't their thought process rub off on you? In my remaining interviews, I received feedback from an African-American floor member: "I don't care what she is. If she looks good and meets the phycial criteria, we can be together," while another African-American member confessed to having absolutely no interest in women who were not black unless they possessed 'black-like qualities' in body features. Both of them were raised in all-black environments, and went to all-black schools. No matter how you look at it, an opinion stems from the core thoughts and feelings of every person, based on experiences, perceptions, influences and the 'truths' other people share with you. Where you grew up and what voices were continuously in your ear play a huge role in what your opinion is...even if it's one that you can honestly say you're working on changing.

1. How Do you feel about interracial dating as honestly as a person?

I have actually been in a couple interracial relationships, and believe that they are hard, but can still be very fun and gratifying. If the person I'm dating, and their family (whom I would also be marrying if we progressed to that) embrace me for who I am as a person (not who they think I am, or think I should be) and respect what I believe and how I live my life, I think we have a good chance. But I think cultural difference 'reminders' will continue to pop-up throughout the life of the relationship, and you either have to make the decision to go through the discomfort of that TOGETHER or not pursue the relationship at all. Either way, ACKNOWLEDGING the differences are very important. Acting as through race doesn't matter isn't realistic. Even if you honestly believe that, your relationship has to have a strong backbone when people and experiences remind you that you're pursuing something different.

2. What Does the World Say about Interracial Dating?

A lot of television programs and media promote interracial relationships as 'ok', but I hardly see them promoting Marriage between the 2 races. 'Having fun' or 'Experimenting' is generally the feel I get from it. People I know in reality who are in interracial relationships are thoroughly happy and wouldn't trade eachother for anything.

3. What does God say about Interracial Dating?

There's no specific scripture or passage that attacks this Head-on. I've looked, lol. I know that God tells us, "All things were made by him; and without him was not anything made that was made," John 1:3-4, KJV. God knew what race he was creating you in, and your partner in. He has no problem with 2 people being different from each other, and intended it that way. God also says,"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" (Matthew 7: 1-5) No one but God knows every detail of why we're all here on this earth. No matter how you feel about a certain race, God made us all, and on purpose. If God is ok with differences in races, I think we should be trying to get to that place too.

I asked my former Pastor about dating interracially. His advice was something I really thought about. He said God's concerns about who I chose to marry were: 1. What is their mission in Christ and it is compatible with mine? 2. Am I marrying someone I WANT?. I really trusted who was advising me, and really thought on what he stated. It almost made me feel like race was something God went completely past in his own thought process. The creativity of God is seen in different skin tones; We as human beings are the ones who have attached it to a specific meaning and caused a distortion amongst something meant to be viewed as beautiful. I took comfort in realizing that God doesn't think about race the same way I do. Infact, he doesn't think about...anything the same way I do. Amen to that, I want to be more like Him than like myself. Easier said than done.