Reframing the so-called 'health care' debate

By Exrummy (Punditty’s second cousin)

Special to The Punditty Project (www.punditty.com)

Aug. 12, 2009

The conduct of some of my fellow American citizens at town hall meetings dealing with medical insurance reform has me madder than Hillary ClintonHillary ClintonHillary Clinton at a press conference about Bill. I turned on the cable television "news" channels in hopes of boning up on the particulars of the debate, and all I get is a bunch of hysterical, spoiled rotten right-wingers screaming about government “death panels” and how they should be able to carry guns whenever Obama comes around to make a speech. Whew. It’s time to turn off the TV and set the record straight. It’s time to focus on staying healthy, not getting pishizzled off.

First things first. Notice I wrote “medical insurance reform” and not “health care reform.” Let’s have some straight talk about what we’re really talking about. I blame Team Obama for not framing the debate honestly to begin with; for a crew that was so savvy with wordage and verbage and everything in between during the campaign, they sure handled this one like George W. Bush ad-libbing on the stump after missing his afternoon nap. Here's the skinny: If you want “health care reform,” start taking better care of yourself and encourage your friends and family to do the same. Now, Ol’ Exrummy won’t argue with you when you say he was a booze-addled hellion in days gone by, but the on-court presence of President Obama during pick-up games has inspired a lot of ex-rummies to get off the sauce and start working out. Chalk one up for Mr. President. His beer-drinking in moderation offers hope to borderline lushes everywhere, while his ongoing struggles with tobacco use makes America's smokers happy they are not facing the onslaught of higher cigarette taxes alone.

As for these amped-up shock troops who vent their rage at town hall meetings like bratty 8-year-olds, they are anything but inspiring. Are such apoplectic outbursts healthy? If he were still alive, you could ask my old friend Rightwingee, who dropped dead from a heart attack after screaming at the top of his lungs that Obama was actually born in Saskatchewan. Apparently Rightwingee had been spending too much time at a Web site called obamawantstomakeyoumiserableandpoor.com, which has since been absorbed into a major right-wing media mouthpiece.

If the big-time TV media were on the up-and-up, the networks would be talkin' about "medical insurance" reform, which is what is really going on. "Health care reform" makes the debate emotional and wide-ranging, but "medical insurance reform" deals with what is actually happening from a legislative standpoint. Let’s see, Cousin Punditty is paying roughly $300 a month for health insurance through an HMO. He’s had one physical and two blood tests in the past two years. Did I mention he had to co-pay $25 for each visit to the HMO, on top of his monthly premiums? Hmmm… Let’s see, that comes out to about $7,200 for a physical and a couple of cholesterol panels over a two-year period. Excuse my English, but what the fockles? in some parts of the country, that is a downpayment on a house. It makes me wonder why Punditty isn’t at a town hall meeting throwing a tantrum and screaming about high insurance premiums. Instead, he's out back diggin' in the garden for a late summer crop of radishes while I'm supposedly "just checkin' my e-mail."

Pro-gun for good fun

As for guns, nobody is more pro-Second Amendment than the Punditties and Exrummies of this world. Heck, back when Punditty was drinking heavily, he and I spent an entire evening sketching out a proposal to take a group of 5th-graders to the rifle range so as to familiarize them with the power of firearms. Sadly, the plan never quite materialized, but we still like to go shoot off our guns just for kicks when we get the hankerin’. Heck, we even go deer hunting sometimes.

What we don’t like to do is show up with firearms stashed in our car, much less on our person, at events that have tight security. Like places where the President of the United States is about to speak, for example. As the saying goes, “If you go lookin’ for trouble, it’ll probably find you.”

I remember the time Punditty got all liquored up and began waving his .44 Magnum around in a bar just outside Thebes, Illinois. He was ranting about Waco and David KoreshDavid KoreshDavid Koresh, how Janet RenoJanet RenoJanet Reno was a “vicious monster with a boring streak,” and of course all the bar patrons agreed with him. However, I hadn’t had as much tequila as Punditty, so I was able to get the drop on him and snap up the .44 after it fell to the floor. One shot rang out, but the door was open and wouldn't you know it, nobody was comin' in just then. No one got hurt, but the liberal who lived across the street did have to replace the door to his outhouse.

Courtesy counts

So it’s like this, ladies and germs: If you want to speak your mind about the president’s proposed policies, please do. Let’s hear what you have to say – complete sentences are highly encouraged! But if you want to tote guns and do your best impression of your favorite anti-intellectual politician or talk show host, do us all a favor and organize your own meetings. No matter what the unfairly unbalanced media is telling you, President Obama is on your side. He is trying to help matters, not trying to get your Uncle Horatio or Grandma Angelica sent to a “death panel” to plead their cases. Sure, you can get addicted to the kind of hate, rage and feelings of disempowerment that talk radio and so-called TV “news” can produce, but is it healthy? As Dick Nixon supposedly once said, "Television is to news what bumper stickers are to philosophy." I saw that on a bumper sticker.

As for me and Cousin Punditty, we’re going out for a 5-mile run shortly. Then we’ll stop by the pool and swim a few dozen laps. After showering, we’ll cruise on over the shooting range and enjoy a little target practice. Hell yeah! Double hell yeah! That's what America is all about! Later this evening, Punditty’s wife Pundotty (they got back together…long story) will be preparing a nice meal of free-range baked chicken, home-grown greens and gluten-free corn bread with some yummy almond milk for soppin ’. I plan on stopping at the health food store after we get done shootin’ to pick up some organic beet root juice. Nothin’ like a couple shots of beet root juice to stimulate intelligent conversation around the dinner table.

Funny, I ain't feelin' so mad anymore. Truth be told, I'm laughin' out loud. Reader's Digest had it right: Laughter is the Best Medicine.

Reform school reminiscences and more at www.punditty.com

(NOTE: This column is presented in homage to Ed Anger, first a pseudonymous person and later a "brand" persona who writes columns for the late, lamented Weekly World News. Well, The Punditty Project laments the print version, anyway. The online version goes on, like Bat Boy himself...)

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