Top 7 Reasons Why Sarah Palin REALLY Resigned

*Author disclaimer: The following article is meant to be a comedic, satirical portrayal of former governor Palin. Its contents should not be taken as truth.

Last week’s resignation of Alaskan governor and former Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah PalinSarah Palin, has left many questioning her motives behind leaving her post. While some have speculated personal financial troubles as the reason, others have suggested Palin has her eye on the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. Fortunately, the real reasons why Palin resigned have come forward, and these rumors can be laid to rest.

Top 7 Reason why Sarah Palin REALLY resigned

7) Joe Plumber is suing

We all remember Palin’s buddy-ole-pal Joe Plumber from the 2008 Presidential Election. Palin spoke so fondly of their friendship and easy neighborly bond, but did we ever actually see her with Joe? In the wake of the election, Plumber is finally speaking out. “She completed fabricated our relationship,” Plumber told reporters while repairing a leaky bathtub. “I became so famous in my city of 50 people my family and I had to go into witness protection for our own safety. I had to get plastic surgery to get a new butt crack designed to avoid being recognized. She’s going to pay for what a pain in the ass she was.”

6) Palin will be the newest contestant on Dancing with the Stars

Reality television is a haven for celebrities desperate for a comeback. Case in point: Kathy Griffin’s My Life on the D List, every cast of every season of Celebrity Rehab, and brain cell assassinators like I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here! Sadly for America, the ex-VP candidate did not choose to join fellow celebs Speidi in the Costa Rican rain forest (imagine Palin sharing Heidi’s spray-on shampoo – this would be epic television, people) but instead will waltz in the steps of The Bachelor’s latest reject, Melissa, mamboing her way to that giant trophy.

5) Her hairdresser quit.

You know the look. It’s as trademark Sarah Palin as the wink that gives you nightmares. It’s a windswept hairdo, with a carefully calculated and asymmetrical poof (that arguably increased in size along with her ego) culminating in a classic French twist at the back of her head. And how does she keep those bangs so- perfect? As with all celebrities (those of you who ever referred to her as a politician were clearly mistaken), there is an unseen team of hairstylists, makeup artists, and clothing stylists who ensure their client is looking spiffy 24/7. It’s not an easy job, and Palin’s hairdresser cracked under the pressure. In an exclusive interview from Juneau Hospital’s psychiatric ward, she stated between tears, and sobbing gasps for air, “It was just too much! The bangs have to graze the glasses just right … I was beginning to get asthma from all the hairspray!” Palin’s high maintenance style has her staff running for the door faster than she can say, “You Betcha!”

4) The night job

Sure Palin looks quite classy in those tailored suits she sports by day, but has anyone other than secret service agents and teenage GOP groupies overridden with testosterone and acne followed her home at night? Ahhh, so I thought. And you probably know about Palin’s 2008 appearance on the cover of Vogue wearing – gasp- lingerie, but, if that isn’t enough to ruffle your feathers, were you aware of the Playboy centerfold in which her naked body is covered only by a rifle and (parental discretion advised) is seen without her glasses? Palin’s nights of moonlighting at the Caribouty Strip Club have finally caught up with her, and those Alaskans who missed the irony of her daughter, Bristol’s, unwed pregnancy, are beginning to question her commitment to abstinence-only sex education.

3) Tina FeyTina Fey’s plastic surgery

In the wake of the 2008 Presidential Election, Palin’s look-a-like, Tina Fey, has grown aggravated, disgruntled, and annoyed. Due to her striking resemblance to Palin, she has been consequently bombarded with requests for autographs, blowjobs from elderly men, and advice on how to single-handedly ruin an entire political party’s chance at reelection and redemption. Fey has undergone the knife to alter her appearance to avoid being mistaken for the former governor, and without her mirror image dressing-up like her and mimicking her accent, Palin has no idea when she is being mocked. Fey is now a blonde, leaving the world’s dumbest brunette thinking she is doing everything right. If we ever find out who stepped in and squashed this dangerous situation is, America owes him a big thank you note.

2) Relocation

The Palin family recently moved to eastern Alaska where Sarah has what stunning view from her bedroom window? You guessed it! That of Canada! The United States’ relationship with our neighbors to the north is more diplomatic than that with Russia, which Palin could see from her former bedroom window. The State Department had begun receiving complaints of a rifle-toting woman spying through kitchen windows and peering over backyard fences into the homes of neighboring Russians. In attempts to avoid invasion by Siberian barbarians, the CIA quickly stepped in and moved Palin, encouraging her to use her background as a hockey mom to bond with her new Canadian neighbors, thus averting disaster. Good idea, eh?

1) Willow’s pregnancy

Teenage daughter number two, whom David LettermanDavid Letterman recently accused of getting knocked up during the seventh inning stretch of a Yankee’s game, sparking a series of heated exchanges between Palin and himself, has a tell-tale baby bump! Clearly Palin’s comments were an ill-fated attempt at a cover-up, and with more lies and another pregnant teenage daughter on her record, Palin has cut her losses and thrown in the towel. Possible names for the youngster include Carpenter, Joe Q. Public, Yaz, and, of course, Hockey Mom.

Never fear, America. Sarah Palin has resigned, and the terror that is the thought of an ex-pageant queen winking at Stalin from across the Bering Strait as the diplomatic representative of our country can be quenched. By 2012, Palin will be never be able to escape the throngs of her 53 illegitimate grandchildren long enough to ensure the geometric symmetry of her hair poof, never mind run for President.