Bride, Sweat, and Tears

Well, the drama began before I was even home. I'm driving along thinking about very important things...if the plural of goose is geese, then why isn't the plural of moose meese? If you switch the i and e in the word pines, then it spells penis (insert immature giggle here). Anyway, I'm also sweating like a whore in church, because the AC in my car has decided to go out and it's 95 outside. I've stripped down to only a bra and shorts, and I'm sitting on a towel so my sweaty legs don't slide around on the leather. Ok, so now you have the scene pictured in your head. Then it happens. I receive a text from my younger sister, Kate. The following is how the situation played out via text messaging and phone calls.

KATE: "I have bad news. Apparently we aren't allowed to wear white to the rehearsal dinner, but I have an extra dress you can wear...it probably will be too big though."

ME: "WHAT?!! WHY?!! I don't have anything else!!!"

KATE: "I don't know. I think it's that way at every dress rehearsal, but I didn't know either. Talk to Mom about it."

ME: "I'm already bending over backwards for Lily! She's making me cover up my tattoos with makeup and take out all my piercings! I'm drawing the line!"

KATE: "Well tell Mom that you didn't know and see what she says. I didn't know either, and one dress I brought home is white and Lily said "no you can't wear that one."

So I now call my Mother:

ME: "MOM!!! I'm so pissed!! No one told me you can't wear white to the rehearsal, and that's the only thing I brought!!!"

MOM: "What?? I didn't know that either!"

ME: "What am I supposed to do?!! (starting to sob now) I'm SO tired of Lily!! I don't want to do any of this!!"

MOM: "....(silence)...yea...I'm sorry, I know it's not fair."

ME: "If you talk to her, you better tell her to stay the hell away from me when I get home!! If she says ONE word to me, I'm gonna hit her I swear!!"

MOM: "Not in the face!! She can't have a black eye for her wedding!!"

ME: "AHHH!!!" ( I abruptly hang up)

Back to texting Kate:

ME: "I just talked to Mom, and she didn't know either. I hate Lily, and I'm DONE with her!! You're doing to the toast on your own!!"

KATE: "Oh shut up Jennings. You're doing it with me! If I have to, then so do you!"

ME: "Well I honestly can't think of one nice word to say about her right now"


So, I was so busy crying, texting, and still half-naked sweating, that I managed to miss a turn somewhere. All of a sudden, I look up and I have no clue where I am. I'm lost in the middle of deliverance country Texas. So I start looking for road signs and a place to stop for directions. In the mean time, I've turned down my radio to better hear the banjo music....tell tale sign that I'm about to be murdered by flannel wearing inbreeds. I finally happen upon a rickety old gas station, with the creepiest old attendant I've ever seen. I immediately checked my phone for service, because I felt like one of those Verizon commercials where the creepy guy says "It's a dead zone...no one around here for miles." Needless to say, he gives me directions back to where I need to be. The rest of the drive was uneventful, except for the extreme heat and sweat. I managed to calm down, get over my anger, and stuff my feelings way back down where they belong.

When I arrive to my Mom's house, where I'll be residing, no one is home. I found this extremely pleasing, until I realized that I have no key to the house. I'm standing outside in the mosquito infested humidity, wondering what the hell to do, because I do not want to call anyone to come home. I'd rather sleep outside, than deal with Mom or Lily at the moment. I see my dog run from around the corner, then an idea hit me....the doggy door. I'm sure you're probably saying to yourself, "No way! You did not crawl through the doggy door!" Oh yes people, I most certainly did. As I'm walking through the house congratulating myself for my craftiness, I pass a mirror and stop dead in my tracks. Since the AC was out, I rode the whole 9 hrs with my window down. The entire left side of my body was much tanner than the right because of the sun!

So things definitely started out rough. I realized it was a lot like having a nasty cough. It always gets worse before it gets better. Since it was Lily's "special time", she got first pick of which room she wanted to sleep in. That, in turn, left me stuck in "the judge's room". The man who lived in the house before we bought it, was a local judge who died in that bedroom. Also, my Mother's house is right by some train tracks- I'm talking righton the tracks. Every 2 hrs a train comes roaring by, shaking the house. I would just start to fall asleep then WAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! WAAA WAAAA!!!!! Thursday morning, I took my sleep deprived self to go buy a new "non white" dress to wear to the rehearsal dinner on Friday. Vicksburg is not a huge city, so the clothing selection is a few miles below impressive. The only remotely cute dress I could find had about 1 and half inches of padding in the chest, resulting in a rumor that I had a boob job. After the dress shopping, I went to see my Daddy at his office. Well that resulted in me getting 2 huge shots- one in each butt cheek. They were given to me by my stepmother, who also happens to be his nurse. Limping out of his office, I decided to treat myself to a manicure for the wedding. The woman was insisting on using a sparkle top coat, and I was insisting on her doing what the paying customer wanted- no sparkles of any type. Needless to say, I ended up walking out of there with sparkles and she received no tip.

The remaining approximate 48 hrs before the main event, were consumed with me trying to keep my sanity. Lily and my Mom were stressed and at their worst. Every little thing they said to each other, landed on their exposed nerves. My Mom thought Lily spent too much time in the tanning bed, and she expressed this by stating "a tan bride is a tacky bride." At this point, I was sure I had died and gone to southern belle hell. The wedding day finally rolled around, and we spent the afternoon at Cedar Grove- an old antebellum mansion. Vicksburg is a big civil war town, so it's saturated with beautiful huge columned homes and brick streets. Cedar Grove is exceptionally gorgeous as it overlooks the Mississippi River. Someone had the bright idea of doing the pictures outside in the sweltering heat of a Mississippi afternoon. You know you're in trouble when the photographer tells you to "stay hydrated." Only in the deep south are wedding pictures equated to running a marathon. The misery was exacerbated by the fact that I had to carry the back of my sister's huge dress as we hiked all over the mansion grounds, taking pictures at various trees and flowers...I swear the damn thing weighed more than me.

The hour of the wedding was set to chime at 7:00pm. At 6:50, all 12 bridesmaids, 12 groomsmen, 2 ring bearers, 1 flower girl, and my poor father lined up in our positions to strut down that aisle...with Kate and I making sure the monster dress was constantly looking its best. The wedding party processional was done to "Canon in D", played by a string quartet. Being the maid of honor, I was the very last to walk done the aisle. I'm standing in the front of the church, hot, tired, and praying it all ends quick. Then the trumpet sounds, the doors open, and I see my father in his tux walking my big sister down the aisle. BAM. All the anxiety, anger, and stress immediately vanished. Hard as I tried, I could not hold back the tears. The rest of the wedding went off perfectly, minus a few giggles whenever me and Kate made eye contact.

The reception was immediately following at another huge old building in downtown Vicksburg. We had so much fun it was ridiculous. We had the band that played all the local favorite dancing songs such as "Play That Funky Music White Boy", and "Brown Eyed Girl". I was once again drenched in sweat, but for a good reason this time. By the end of the night, the groomsmen were on the ground doing the worm, every female was barefoot, and I somehow ended up wearing my new brother-in-law's bow tie. For at least one night, everyone forgot our differences and just cut loose. I looked up, and my mom's, dad's, and step-mom's families were all dancing together and having a blast. That night far out-weighed all the drama leading up to it. If I had to endure the torture all over again just to be a part of that night, I would do it in a heart beat. Well, I would at least consider it...