Yes We Can

There are few historical moments that have occurred in my lifetime of which I can clearly recall my exact location. I often struggle to answer, "where were you when..?" I think it may have something to do with my tendency to remember feelings but not necessarily details associated with past events. However, I do remember being woken by a frantic phone call from my mother on 9/11, nursing my infant son when Princess DianaPrincess Diana's death was announced, and sitting in the living room with my two children, now old enough to understand, watching Barack ObamaBarack Obama win the 2008 Presidential election. This is a President I can be proud of, a President I can count on, a President who will be operating outside of traditional expectation, a man I can respect.

Sitting on the couch with me that night, reveling in the hope and promise of a new day, was my partner, my wife. We are 1 of 18.000 gay and lesbian couples who were married in the state of California during the short time the legal right was afforded us. We sat in our living room, with my two children, whom she is helping me raise, and watched a man who we knew understood the importance of equality and who would certainly be the President who would help us gain national recognition of our marriage. While the Democratic platform shied away from making gay marriage a key issue in the campaign, we knew the sentiment was there and that he would not let us down.

I am still an Obama supporter. I am not giving up hope. But the Department of Justice's recent justification of the Defense of Marriage Act and President Obama's apparent lack of response obviously do not sit well with me. My partner and I are involved with local efforts to continue the fight for marriage equality in our state and are hopeful and optimistic that, come 2010, this will be achieved. But we know until all gay and lesbian couples are allowed to marry, regardless of their state of residence, and until those marriages obtain national recognition, the fight will not be over.

Truth be told, other than personal satisfaction and a minor note in California history, we haven’t gained much by getting married. Before our San Diego courthouse ceremony, my partner and I were registered domestic partners. This designation allowed me to put her on my medical insurance and gave us the peace of mind that, were something to happen to either or us, we would have the same rights as a married couple, such as hospital visitation and the right to inherit from one another. The one key change since legally marrying is we now have the right to pay more state taxes. As a married couple, we paid more state income tax for the year 2008 than we would have had we been filing individually. And let me not fail to mention the added fun of filing the return: one federal return each to actually file, one federal return as a couple (just for pretend) in order to generate the correct figures for our state married return; yep, four returns instead of two because we cannot be considered married by the federal government.

Those validating the Defense of Marriage Act are stressing that this is a state issue. I just cannot make myself accept this. We are residents of California. We are citizens of the United States. The right to marry is a citizen’s right, not a resident’s right. My marriage should not only be transferrable regardless of my state of residency but should be recognized by the federal government. Are we actually moving in reverse in regard to civil rights in this country? Are we kidding ourselves into believing that separate but equal is somehow okay? Are we somehow deluding ourselves into believing that it is acceptable for the majority to make decisions that will limit the civil rights of a minority, as has happened with our state’s Proposition 8?

My partner spent ten years serving in the United States Navy. She was one of few women who earned a spot on a Seal team (women can’t actually be Seals) and was, more than once, commended for her level of service. She now carries a disability rating that allows her to receive certain monthly benefits. These benefits should increase now that she is married and has two step children in her household. They won’t. My children, her step-children, should be able to attend a state university at no cost when they graduate from high school in four and six years. They won’t. These things won’t happen because while we hold a valid marriage certificate in the state of California, this means nothing on a federal level.

President Obama has made the statement that he will end the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy that has kept gays and lesbians from openly serving in the military. That is definitely a start. So now are we going to tell them to feel free to serve openly and to potentially risk their lives for their country but not have the nerve to expect the same benefits for their families (because many will have families) that their straight counterparts are awarded? Just how is this all supposed to work? And at what point are we going to stop pretending that this is not blatant discrimination? We are not incestuous, we are not polygamous, we do not want to marry our pets. We are friends, partners, spouses, mother, step-mother, daughters, sister, service woman, teacher.

I am still an Obama supporter. I still have to believe that a man whose biological parents’ marriage would have been illegal in twenty-one states at the time (1961) is not the same man who will allow my marriage to a woman to continue being invalidated. I am also holding out hope that this man will see that separate but equal is still an oxymoron and that gay and lesbian couples are entitled to federally recognized marriages and not something claimed to be of equal value. I agree with President Obama: Yes We Can.