Rolling Stone Magazine is NOT FIT to Wipe My Ass

A strange thing started happening to my mailbox a few weeks ago; Rolling Stone started showing up mixed in with the pile of bills and other useless garbage. This bothered me for a while because I suspected identity theft but then I received a repeat email from LiveNation and Rolling Stone which announced LiveNation's "no service charge Wednesdays" which led me to believe the two were connected. After a quick conversation with the people who went to The Mars Volta's show at the Fillmore here in Denver who also bought their tickets through LiveNation AND who were also getting Rolling Stone it became obvious that part of our $40+ ticket charge each for the show unwittingly "scored" us Rolling Stone subscriptions.

This is pure garbage! Yes, I have taken the time to read through a few of these and now I know, regrettably, who Lady GaGa is, I know that the Kings of Leon get loaded and fight each other, and I also know that the runner up of the last American Idol is gay, but I could have told you that had you asked me. C'mon! He's a dude on American Idol, OF COURSE HE'S GAY!

Rolling Stone is unfit to wipe my ass for the following reasons:

1. It does not conform to hanging on a roll

2. The glossy pages do not agree with my exposed anus

3. The glossy pages do not flush well

4. My exposed anus does not deserve to be touched with the ink that is wasted in pursuit of the "next big thing"

5. I didn't ask for this goddamn rag (I guess that I should have read the fine print, but I am STILL in awe of The Mars Volta's performance that night)

6. ANY magazine that devotes its existence to pop-culture should be doomed to failure, however my anus is destined for glory one day

7. Where is the retrospect of G.G. Allin and/or El Duce?

8. If the term "green" is in fashion right now then how come Waste Management has the nerve to charge me a "recycling fee" if I sign up for it but at the same time willingly collects fresh issues of Rolling Stone for free if they're stuffed into my regular garbage bags on top of my regular amount of crushed PBR cans? "What do you expect me to do? Paw through my garbage like a raccoon?" -Charles Montgomery Burns

Rolling Stone can suck my ass. It is the living embodiment of American pop-crapture at its worst. The very fact that this magazine is dedicated to this brainless nonscense and still manages to sell at 7-11's and rope-in subscribers is just more proof that the culture of the USA is on the same doom-track that the Ancient Greeks and the Romans and the Babylonians were on; COLLAPSE!