Women Have to Learn How to Orgasm

Getting sex in perspective, very few women talk confidently either about the joys or the difficulties associated with orgasm. The vast majority are silent so it is difficult to know what they think. It would be nice to imagine that at least some are quietly getting on with it; too busy doing to be talking about it.

Sadly, given that most women are shocked by any mention of explicit sexual activity, I question how many explore sex beyond the basics. It seems more likely that women say nothing because their sexual experiences are not as sensational as we'd like to hope.

In the film 'Shirley Valentine', Pauline Collins plays Shirley, a middle-aged housewife. Shirley comments: "I'm not particularly fond of it - sex. I think sex is like supermarkets, you know, overrated. Just a lot of pushing and shoving and you still come out with very little in the end." (Note: this film was set in the days before supermarkets sold everything from microwaves to mobile phones!)

"Many women wonder if their lack of orgasms is due to some underlying emotional or psychological problem. However, this is usually not the case at all. Frequently, not having an orgasm is simply due to unfavourable circumstances, or lack of understanding about how to achieve personal sexual pleasure." (p13 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)

Shirley reminisces about a conversation where one of her friends comments on their youth: "In those days everyone thought it was a case of - in out, in out, shake it all about. Stars would light up the skies and the earth would tremble." Shirley laughs at the ignorance of her generation of men who were unaware of the importance of the clitoris and the fact that clitoral stimulation is required for a woman to orgasm.

Modern hopes for fantasy sex

There is an implication that younger generations of women expect to have orgasms from sex either through female masturbation or with the assistance of a more knowledgeable lover. It is assumed that men in more modern times are well-informed about foreplay techniques as well as positions and techniques for sexual intercourse.

Shirley comments: "They think they know it all - the clitoris kids I call them!" We may have more knowledge today but our expectations are correspondingly higher. Young women often don't know how to have an orgasm until they try masturbation and learn how to use a vibrator to discover orgasm. Some women find transferring orgasm techniques to sex more difficult.

Women of an older generation often mistakenly assume that younger women have perfect sex lives simply because they live with a man before marriage. That's just like assuming that all married women enjoy sex. Otherwise why would they be married? It is evident that women seek relationships with men for reasons other than the 'success' of a sexual relationship.

The Go Ask Alice! website admits not only that there is nothing easy or automatic about women reaching orgasm during intercourse but also that only some women learn how to do this. They advise young people that some women learn how to orgasm during intercourse with practice.

" In reality, the more sexually active you are, the more likely you are to masturbate, regardless of whether you do or don't have a partner. ... Of the women who have discovered its joys, virtually all can masturbate to orgasm ...

On the opposite side, if you're a female who has never masturbated, statistics indicate it's quite likely you've never had an orgasm in your life. Pretty strong support for solo sex! The truth is good girls do do it and if you never have and won't try, give up now on ever having a fulfilling sex life.

Masturbation is a sure way (and often the only way) to discover what turns you on sexually, and unless you know how to excite yourself, you've got zero chance of telling your partner how to." (p2 Hot Sex 1998)

Jane Thomas: Author http://WaysWomenOrgasm.org and http://Nosper.com

WaysWomenOrgasm.org aims to inform and reassure women of all ages: both the site content and pictures are completely clean. The discussion is based on honesty not sexual ego and covers: sex drive, the role of fantasy and why orgasm from masturbation may always be different to orgasm from penetration.