Why Foreplay Techniques Don't Always Work As We Think They Should

Foreplay has evolved as a means of compensating women for the lack of clitoral stimulation during intercourse. The concept behind foreplay techniques (including clitoral stimulation) is that a man should be able to arouse a woman sufficiently to enable him to continue stimulating her to orgasm through thrusting alone.

One problem with foreplay is that clitoral stimulation needs to continue to the point of orgasm. (Imagine leaving off penile stimulation just as a man heads for orgasm!)

More fundamentally though, foreplay techniques do not necessarily assist with women's arousal because sexual arousal depends more on a person's psychological state than on physical stimulation.

A man enjoys kissing and intimate touching, partly because of his resulting erection. His erection demonstrates his sexual appreciation for his partner. In other words, it is a compliment. If a man has difficulty achieving an erection, it is easy to arouse him by kissing his mouth, stroking his body or masturbating his penis (just for starters!).

• Women do not have the spontaneous sexual arousal men tend to have from the start.


• Women do not find the naked body of a sexual partner as arousing as men tend to.

As a result of these two points, a woman is not turned on enough in her mind to respond to physical stimulation in the same way that a man does. This means that it is quite normal for a woman to experience a lack of arousal during sex.

Women's sexual arousal is not automatic
Women may enjoy admiring a man's body in a tight pair of jeans (or even completely naked) but not usually so much that we orgasm spontaneously. So during masturbation, while men look at pictures of naked women, women tend to use highly explicit sexual fantasies. Since women do not find the body of a sexual partner arousing enough to orgasm, it's likely that they will need to use their fantasies during sex to achieve orgasm.

"The naked truth is that women are more likely to be attracted to a man when he has his clothes on." (p28 Bluffer's guide to Women 1998)

Women's sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic. So most women do not tend to reach a state of sexual arousal that could lead quickly to orgasm from just looking at a man and contemplating sex. Worse than that - when we approach sex with a partner (or masturbation for that matter) we tend to be stone cold in arousal terms. In other words, women do not start a sex session just short of an orgasm.

"Women aren't automatically excited the way men are. But men seem to expect us to be turned on, and they're annoyed when it doesn't happen." (p10 Why Men don't get enough Sex and Women don't get enough Love 1994)

Men have an automatic response to the sex hormone testosterone (e.g. a younger man's early morning erection) as well as becoming aroused by seeing or touching an attractive woman. Women do not experience the same kind of spontaneous sexual arousal. Since they have fewer 'natural' aids for sexual arousal, women's sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies even during sex with a partner.

Jane Thomas: Author http://WaysWomenOrgasm.org and http://Nosper.com

WaysWomenOrgasm.org aims to inform and reassure women of all ages: both the site content and pictures are completely clean. The discussion is based on honesty not sexual ego and covers: sex drive, the role of fantasy and why orgasm from masturbation may always be different to orgasm from penetration.

Originally, foreplay was suggested as a solution to the inadequate clitoral stimulation provided by intercourse. Unfortunately, not only do women need clitoral stimulation to continue up to the point of orgasm but also, due to the sensitivity of the clitoris, it can be difficult for a man to provide the right kind of stimulation.

So when women ask about lack of orgasm today, experts suggest that they masturbate during sex. In fact, little is known about how successful women are with this approach in practice. To help improve our understanding, WaysWomenOrgasm.org invites women to share how they achieve arousal and orgasm with a partner.

Nosper.com is interested in promoting approaches to family life that allow us to raise children while remaining sane. The site welcomes suggestions for how adults of both sexes can continue doing their own thing and having fun together while, at the same time, being there for their kids.