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Why Doesn't Rihanna Just Leave? The Myths & Realities of Leaving An Abusive Relationship

By: christianavard

Brattleboro : VT : USA | 9 months ago

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Rihanna

Posted by: christianavard

Rihanna TMZ photo
Rihanna & Chris Brown

Posted by: christianavard

Rihanna and Chris Brown at a recent awards ceremony

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I've been following the Rihanna/Chris Brown story and aside from the Hollywood glam that's been dominated the coverage, I wrote this piece after reading this Alternet article for the third time ....

"I'm sick and tired of hearing the same old myths being perpetrated about domestic violence. The one that gets under my skin the most is "Why doesn't she just leave?" Why aren't we asking the abuser "why doesn't he leave?" It's not the survivor's responsibility, it's all about power and control that prevents an abusee from leaving an abusive relationship.

The three major characteristics that prevent abusees from leaving an abusive relationship is love, hope, and fear. The abusee believes her abusive partner still loves her. That he/she's abusing the abusee because he/she loves her/him. You'd be amazed to know how prevalent this thinking is. This is a major reason why abusees don't leave abusive relationships.

Then there's hope. There's the idea that if I only do this or that better, then his/her abusive partner will change his/her behaviors. The other excuse to stay in the relationship is "he/she won't hit me again, he promised." There's that piece of hope in there too.

Then there's fear, another major reason why abusees don't leave abusive relationships. There's the fear that the abusee can't live on her own. There's the fear that if the abusee leaves, that the abuser will come beat her some more or even kill her/him. Statistics, domestic violence experts, and survivors of domestic violence will tell you that THE most dangerous time for an abusee in an abusive relationship is AFTER the breakup. So that keeps the cycle of violence going AND prevents abusees from leaving relationships. I'm certain that these three factors played into Rihanna's situation.

It's NOT as easy as people make it out to be. Learn the facts of what keeps domestic violence going... especially for us males."

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Post a Comment Comments: 19

Posted By

emsheikh | 9 months ago

She's famous and she's filthy rich. If she wanted to leave because she was being physically abused, she would have long before or rather before the beating took place. I'm telling there's a reason this all happened and got reported!

Reply By

christianavard | 9 months ago

emsheikh... it's not easy to leave ANY abusive relationship, no matter how much money you have. This is about using power and control over another person. Brown made a choice. He chose to use force (more than once) and left several bruises.

We don't know all the details of what happened. All I can say is the most common reasons abusees can't leave abusive relationships is the abusee's idea that the abuser still loves her/him, that the abuser will change her/his behaviors, and there's the real fear that if the abusee leaves this relationship, she/he'll beat the abusee harder. But the violence continues and the cycle continues, over and over and over again. That's common in abusive relationships. Rihanna and Chris Brown's cases sound exactly the same thing, I've seen over and over again.

Posted By

Majdy | 9 months ago

Dude whatever we may believe or think, we cannot predict the complex shifts in human nature. He did something wrong and he is ashamed and sorry for it and she forgave him, that makes sense. Many couples do that all the time and some even live pretty happily afterward as well but yes she should be careful now and must remember that if ever this episode is repeated then there should be no forgiveness whatsoever.

Reply By

christianavard | 9 months ago

OK.. she's forgiven him. That's her choice and sometimes relationships bounce back... not many because abusers aren't willing to change their behaviors. It's Chris Brown's responsibility to change. Not Rihanna's. Brown chose to commit violent acts. He has some serious counseling he has to go through, if he wants to redeem himself. I support him... if he's willing to get help, do the work, and change.

Posted By

clayrung | 9 months ago

I think the woman has some inclination towards a hardcore relationship. No sane person can stand somebody for this long.

Reply By

christianavard | 9 months ago

It's not her responsibility for the beatings. Women DO NOT get into "hardcore" relationships to experience degrading circumstances like Rihanna did. Sane or not sane, there's no excuse for beating a loved one, no matter what Rihanna sees in Chris Brown.

Posted By

slydog | 9 months ago

The fine line between love & hate..both strong passions. Like Majdy
suggests, there are many relationships that straddle that line..it
seems to be the conflicting emotions and the complex dimensions of
human passion that evolves into this type of relationship. If the
female was "abused" in some long term way by a parent (not JUST
physical) there is a tendency to create that chaos as a safe environment later in life...a person can be comfortable in discomfort
if they are so ingrained.

Reply By

christianavard | 9 months ago

While that may be true, the point remains... there's still no excuse for striking a loved one. It's not the abusees psyche that should be put under the microscope. When we do it sounds a lot like a more sophisticated version of "why doesn't she leave?" This is about the abuser and his/her decisions to commit physical, emotional, and/or psychological abuse, it's not about the survivor of violence. Looking at it this way, let's the abuser off the hook. Keep that in mind.

Posted By

slydog | 9 months ago

Though by no means defending the abusive actions..what if it is the
penchant of the abused to somehow enjoy it..for arguement's sake..
let's suppose the abused party was a masochist? Could abuse become
pleasure in that scenario? I came from a highly dysfuncioinal family
where the Stepmother was the physical abuser over my much more humble father..as he would never hit a woman. I would often as a child be called on the be the "peacemaker"..it left some scars. But it was not
a "standard" textbook envirnment of abuse. The Stepmother had her reasons..but SHE perpetrated the violence in rage.
Now..later in my life..if things are going too calmly..I get uneasy and
literally create chaos in my life because it was an environment I grew up in and understood better than "normalcy" I don't believe the gamut
of human emotion and experience will eber really fit into round and
square holes like neat,little pegs. Like the smallest particles to the
majesty of the universe..it is rife with conflict and chaos dancing
amongs the spinning orbs of order. (inho)

Posted By

christianavard | 9 months ago

>> what if it is the penchant of the abused to somehow enjoy it..for arguement's sake.. let's suppose the abused party was a masochist? <<

For me, it's not a matter if he/she's a masochist. If something happens against her/his will in a committed relationship, it's domestic violence.

Posted By

TheDiva | 9 months ago

This is a slightly different case, but not too long ago, there was a kid who returned to his family after being kidnapped and held hostage for four years. There were times when he and his kidnapper would go out, and sometimes they'd be in the area, near a police station or around people he knew. After he returned to his family, a lot of people kept asking the question, "Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you run away?" "Stockholm syndrome," they call it. In both cases, their lives are potentially on the line. You can't demand or ask someone to run if there is a chance of danger against you. You'd be risking a lot. Sure, it'd be great, but it must be remembered that staying with the person who is hurting you - physically or emotionally - may be the lesser of two evils at that point, even if that alone is the most risky. But that is the mindset of someone who is suffering from abuse. Even if Rihanna truly loves Chris, we cannot criticize her and say her choice is of bad judgment, especially if we have never been in that position before. Granted, I wouldn't want her to be there myself, but there's nothing you or I could do to help her. There could be another chance of this happening again, though. However, it's up to her to make the decision about staying or going. As far as Chris Brown is concerned, he does need some sort of counseling for his actions. More importantly, he needs to really think about why he did what he did. If jail time is considered the best method, so be it. And if he truly is seeking penance, then he ought to honor that. He's young - he's got a lot of time. It's just a shame how this whole thing is playing out for the both of them. I think for Chris, it will take a long time for people to really trust him again.

Reply By

christianavard | 9 months ago

>> it must be remembered that staying with the person who is hurting you - physically or emotionally - may be the lesser of two evils at that point, even if that alone is the most risky. But that is the mindset of someone who is suffering from abuse. <<

For me, it wouldn't be the lesser of two evils because the violence won't stop. I understand the most difficult time to leave an abusive relationship is after the break up. But remaining there won't stop the violence, nor will it prevent her/him from getting killed either. Leaving is the best alternative.

In terms of leaving, it helps to make a safety plan before one leaves an abusive relationship. It could be... "here is where I'm going to go that I trust, these are the friends I'm going to stay in contact with that I trust, I am going to get a restraining order on him to prevent him/her from getting close to me and my children, and/or I am going to seek shelter so he/she doesn't know where I am." While it's scary and dangerous, I do believe it has to happen, even though it's difficult for an abusee to go through. It's just taking that necessary step.

Reply By

TheDiva | 9 months ago

It wouldn't be for me, either, christian, but for the person who is being abused, that's what he/she feels has to be done until the next step can be taken. Again, that is how, generally, that person is thinking. And leaving is the best alternative, but it can also be looked at as the only alternative. There is nothing else you should do except get out of the relationship and seek help. And if there are children involved - even though there aren't here - so much the better. But like you said, you can't do that without a plan. However, there are some who just don't see it that way. And I agree with you, solitaire. I think there is a psychological factor in abuse. I don't know if it's clear-cut in this case, but it certainly warrants a red flag because that is the typical nature of the abuser. Now there are reports surfacing that Chris is planning to claim in court that Rihanna launched the first attack. It's speculation, but let me ask you guys: how much do you think, if that were true, it would change the scope of the story?

Reply By

christianavard | 9 months ago

>> but let me ask you guys: how much do you think, if that were true, it would change the scope of the story? <<

If she struck first in self-defense, I don't think the scope would change at all. If she did strike first, that doesn't mean Chris Brown should've struck back. He's responsible for walking away from the matter, no matter what kind of state your in at that moment. You don't hit back.

Posted By

solitaire | 9 months ago

Wow, great discussion! Well, I personally think she should have left him, but even if she hasn't, then she DEFINITELY should next time anything happens... but yes, there is a complex psychological pattern behind abusive relationships. Another factor that figures in, is the abuser's emotional blackmailing as well. I mean one day he can beat her up and the next day he will be crying in front of her and asking for forgiveness and because she lvoes him, she will.. but he will definitely do it again. (way more often than not).

Posted By

TheDiva | 9 months ago

Another thing I should've added is that Rihanna could suffer a career backlash herself. We spend so much time on the fallout of Chris Brown's career that we forget that it could be just as bad for her because of this.

Posted By

TheDiva | 9 months ago

Point well put, christian. Now, here's where it gets tricky: I don't know if she did, but I don't think hitting him first would have been good, either. There's no reason to hit, period. Unfortunately, the first instinct for someone when someone else hits him or her is to hit back. Did Rihanna deserve to be pummeled? Hell, no! Nobody should! Nothing in life should warrant that kind of behavior from anybody. Quite frankly, I'm angry that it would even happen in the first place. That doesn't mean hitting him first - whether she did or not, whether she had a viable reason to or not - would have necessarily been acceptable. How do you measure self-defense? Where do you draw the line? Is this the line right here, when you're on the cusp of practically killing someone? Because even then, to some people that's considered "self-defense." Forget petty arguments and even the case of domestic violence for a moment. Then the line suddenly begins to blur. That's why I asked that question.

Posted By

christianavard | 9 months ago

Obviously it should never have to get to the point where the abusee has to strike back or pull the trigger in order to save her/his life. I guess you'd have to look at on a case by case basis. If someone is in an abusive relationship and the abuser threatens to kill her/him, that abusee REALLY believes it. I mean REALLY believes it. The right thing to do is to find a right time to leave.

However, there are situations where the abusees have no opportunities to leave and the abuser threatens to kill the abusee. That abusee believes it will definitely happen. What do you do? If there's no gun pointed at your head, leave at the appropriate time. If so, then it gets to a point of my life or yours. I don't support taking another person's life but this is the lowest point in a domestic violence case, the abusee has a right to defend herself even if it means breaking the law and facing the consequences. There are people out there where this has come down to. It's not the ideal ending.

There's the case of the Framingham 8 in Massachusetts where eight women shot their abusive partners because their lives were threatened. Seven of their sentences were commuted. I think there's one more still in prison. View the oscar award winning short-film documentary "Defending Our Lives," produced in 1993.

Posted By

TheDiva | 8 months ago

Thank you for the suggestion. And I agree with you on much of what you said. I don't disagree with the idea that sometimes, in order to save yourself, you have to strike back. And maybe it is a case-by-case basis. It's easy for me to say that not being violent is the principle of the whole thing, and that is the reason I feel the way I do. However, we can't always go on principle. A lot of it is instinct.

However, I'm not saying she's not allowed to hit, because obviously, neither was he and he did it anyway. I'm not saying she's not allowed to defend herself, because she damn well ought to. But this is the point I was trying to make: hitting FIRST - without provocation, let's say - is not self-defense. It's just plain old aggression and anger. It doesn't matter who does it. But again, case-by-case basis. If it's happened before and she needed to defend herself, I can honestly see that.