Giving Governors a Bad Name

Hats off to the Illinois governor for shooting so high above and beyond the normal arc of political malfeasance that he's probably annoyed NASA by interfering with satellite traffic. After years of highlighting nuances and scrutinizing minute distinctions, it's downright thrilling to finally find someone acting crookeder than a dump truck full of dissembled wire hangers. Excuse me. I mean, finally finding someone GETTING CAUGHT acting crookeder than a dump truck full of dissembled wire hangers. It's not every day the FBI arrests a sitting governor at his house at six in the morning: We're talking movie of the week here. I see Casey AffleckCasey Affleck in a bad wig. With Aaron EckhartAaron Eckhart as Patrick FitzgeraldPatrick Fitzgerald.

Rod BlagojevichRod Blagojevich has lined himself up to be the fourth Chief Executive of the Land of Lincoln since 1974 to be offered a long-term residency at the Gray Bar Hotel. That Springfield Capitol building must be quite a feat of social engineering. It seems to work like a halfway house in reverse. He has single handedly smashed all doubts that Chicago is to corruption what Santaland is to elves. What Los Angeles is to plastic surgery stitching. Upper Michigan and deer ticks. The list goes on. Seattle and mildew. See?

The list of alleged infractions are heinous enough that had Spiro Agnew lived through this, his little head would have spun right off his neck like a power assisted drill bit. On top of giving a bad name to people with bad names, Blago is also accused of putting his appointment of President- elect Barack Obama's successor in the U.S. Senate up for sale to the highest bidder. Which is bad in a comic-book villain sort of way. But then you think... "Jeez, selling a Senate seat. Hmm. Bet we could put a serious dent into something like an auto bailout that way. Besides, how much worse could it get?" But that discussion is best left for another time.

Asked to comment on his home state compadre, the soon-to-be Prez attempted to maintain a proper distance, which you know if he had his way would consist of an additional 5,000 miles, three languages and a parallel universe or two. He even pretended to have trouble pronouncing the Gov's name. Tough love, perhaps. But with friends like this, who needs rabid, back-stabbing turkey vultures with poisonous talons?

While the governor remains as cluelessly defiant as his hair, calls are being made from the highest ranks of the Democratic Party for Blagojevich to resign. Calls are also being made for Blagojevich to contract a bout of flesh-eating bacteria. To climb under an igneous rock. To curl up and die. Evaporate. Disappear. Implode. Take a midwinter nocturnal swim in Lake Michigan wearing cement overshoes, leaving behind a note declaring himself to be a closeted Republican.

The one silver lining to be squeezed out of this squalid scenario is, should he be convicted, Hair Boy can still maintain his oath of service to the Great State of Illinois. It's just that instead of fixing the roads and highways by signing budgets and shepherding coalitions wearing a tailored suit, he'll be doing it with a garbage bag and pointy stick in an orange jumpsuit.