If you're looking for some entertaining and sexy weekend reading, look no further than a leaked FBI disciplinary report obtained by CNN. The report details a culture of interoffice nude self-portraits, visits to illicit massage parlors and what the FBI assistant director calls a "rash of sexting cases."
I've heard of investigators and detectives being called "private dicks," but this is ridiculous!
CNN acquired an internal FBI disciplinary memo -- parts of which are extremely amusing -- detailing the racy misuse of FBI-issued BlackBerry mobile phone devices. I'm guessing the Bureau intentionally leaked the report on FBI sexting in order to scare their agents into sexting their coworkers less frequently. Because the person who sent out the disciplinary email then sat down for a nice interview with CNN.
"We're hoping getting the message out in the [quarterly email warnings] is going to teach people, as well as their supervisors ... you can't do this stuff," FBI assistant director Candice Will told CNN. "When you are given an FBI BlackBerry, it's for official use. It's not to text the woman in another office who you found attractive or to send a picture of yourself in a state of undress. That is not why we provide you an FBI BlackBerry."
That has got to be my favorite FBI quote ever. But there's so much more fun hidden in the full FBI report (PDF) posted online.
For instance, consider the case of this FBI employee. "During argument with spouse, Employee broke spouse's e-reader in half and pointed unloaded gun at dog's head while dog was sitting in spouse's lap," the report reads. That employee was suspended for 45 days.
You'd rather hear about the sexting stuff, though, huh? One female FBI agent was reprimanded because she "e-mailed nude photograph of herself to ex-boyfriend's wife."
She sent nude pics of herself to her ex-boyfriend's spouse, just to taunt the woman? I want to party with that female FBI agent!
Another agent was suspended five days for "unauthorized use of FBI database to search for information about friends and coworkers." See, we're stuck with Facebook whenever we want to do that.
In another case, "Employee used personal cell phone to send nude photographs of self to several other employees. In aggravation, Employee's conduct created office gossip." The report also notes that "Employee's misconduct adversely affected the daily activities of several squads."
I'll bet those squads would argue with Human Resources' definition of "adversely."
My favorite, though, is the one where "Employee visited a massage parlor and paid for a sexual favor from the masseuse." I'm sure that story had a happy ending, until the agent was suspended 14 days.
It should be noted that in the last two years, barely over a thousand of the FBI's 36,000 employees were cited for violations. Less than 3 percent of FBI employees have been called out for such disciplinary violations. The FBI Agent's Association points out that disciplinary cases in the FBI are "among the lowest in the federal government."