Vivacious Vitamin King
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Vivacious Vitamin King

Sydney : Australia | Feb 18, 2013 at 4:11 PM PST
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VITAMIN A

The word ‘pills’ has a new meaning. I’m not talking about the other ones, the healthier ones...vitamins. I’m sure you remember the pill-popping era and hippies growing on trees, and hanging and falling off trees. This is not that. I’m your good guy Vitamin King aiming to make you laugh your socks off, and have a vitamin to add to it.

There are such things as personal development and the Internet so I’ve educated myself about beneficial pill popping. I was even going to call myself the pill-popping papa for this rant, but I thought, better not; vitamins sound more relevant and nicer and not misleading. There’s heaps of stuff out there from simple to outlandish to over-the-top. If you are confused and you have downed a vitamin, or vitamins, your body could be following your head and is also confused and doesn’t know what to make of all the stuff flowing through it. Do you take this, or that, or maybe this? Whatever you do don’t close your eyes and hope your hand lands on the right one by using the force, you know, the Stars Wars deal.

So if someone asks what you would suggest to help their diet and health, just say they have come to the right place with their Vivacious (what a word, I had to think of something) Vitamin King (VVK), not your pill-popping papa (yes I haven’t used capitals). Actually, the line, ‘they’ve come to right place’ sound more like the pill-popping that some naughty people are used to hearing and taking. Well, they’ve come to you, so they made a wise decision. And why is it a wise decision, because you are an ACE, Ace, and a Multi Mega Man (MMM). Yes more abbreviations to get you going. What the..? you might be saying.

Let the VVK explain (here we go). ‘A’ is for Vitamin A, and also for Arrogance for people who don’t think they need vitamins. ‘C’ is for Vitamin C, and also for Chuckles because the vitamins will make you all tingly and happy, and ‘E’ is for Extravagant because the vitamins can make you feel and look good – ‘did you know I take vitamins?’ as you sip your chardonnay (are you kidding?) And what is ACE, Ace? ACE stands for Anti-Oxidants, the conquering heroes of bad stuff running freely through our bodies.

The next guest on the list is the MMM. I added Man to Multi Mega because, yes again, it sounded good. Yes, 'Person' should have been used instead of 'Man' (Multi Mega Man) and no I wasn’t being sexist. MMM stands for things like a Multi-Vitamin tablet or protein shake. Actually you can be Multi Mega Man for the day with Mega being good for busy and stressed people, and standard Multi-Vitamins good for everyday people. But I know you want the good stuff; oh no, that sound like a line from the other pill-popping, please excuse me. Now this also means that you might blow all of this stuff out of your extremities and hopefully you are near a toilet when this accident happens.

After all that, I know what you are saying, ‘who needs vitamins?’ Am I trying to make you laugh or is this some sick joke with toilets on standby. Well, you can just shovel a bucket of food and drink down your throat and everything will be alright, right? Then there is no need for a Vivacious Vitamin King (VVK) then (why did I choose Vivacious?). Vitamins are good stuff man. Trying to keep it simple and be funny at the same time, they fill in the gaps. No not gaps in your teeth, if you are a toothless bugger, but gaps in your bodies. Like the saying, ‘food glorious food’, it’s also ‘vitamins glorious vitamins’. But hey, I’m just a guy trying to be a VVK. Ok, ok, no more abbreviations...but you have to admit they sound good, sometimes... now and again...seldom, ok hit and miss, like you’ll be if you have too many vitamins and try to let it out over the toilet bowl.

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From: adam.beck
LittleIrishman is based in Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, and is a Reporter on Allvoices.
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