By Perry Diaz
Sen. Ping Lacson decided to bury the hatchet so he called Justice Secretary Leila de Lima. Their conversation went as follows:
Leila: Hello, who is this?
Ping: Hi, Leila. This is Ping. Remember me?
Leila: Ping? Oh, like in ping-pong? Yep, how can I forget you? What can I do for you? Are you in trouble again?
Ping: Oh, no… No, no, no! Actually, I’ve never been better. I think my bad days are over.
Leila: You think so?
Ping: That’s why I called. After thinking about it, I believe it’s time to bury the hatchet.
Leila: Well, I don’t have a hatchet to bury, Ping. I use a handgun – a .44 Magnum.
Ping: Oh, yeah. How can I forget? You’re one of P-Noy’s shooting buddies after all.
Leila: Well, I found out, he’s got a new shooting buddy.
Ping: No kidding! And who would that be? Let me see… Mar Roxas? Jun Abaya?
Leila: No, no! These kids can’t shoot! I’m talking about the new… you know… the one who is always smiling.
Ping: What? You mean to say she’s now buddy-buddy with P-Noy? Does she know how to aim and pull the trigger?
Leila: Well, not if it’s a paper bull’s eye. But if she uses a photo of Corona, she can hit the target between the eyes.
Ping: No wonder, P-Noy appointed her!
Leila: But I could do better. I can hit both eyes with two guns from my left and right hands without aiming… just like John Wayne.
Ping: I bet you can, Leila. And blindfolded, too. Di ba? Sayang, you didn’t make it to the shortlist. If you did, you would be the CJ for the next 18 years! Let’s see… you’d still be the CJ when I am elected president in 2016.
Leila: I don’t want to hear it, Ping. Huhuhu…
Ping: Don’t cry, Leila. Hey, why don’t you run as my vice presidential running mate in 2016? We’d make a great team!
Leila: Well, why don’t YOU run as my vice presidential running mate?
Ping: Huh? Me, your VP?
Leila: Yes, you, you, you!
Ping: Hold it right there, ma’am! I have experience in politics. I have been a senator since 2001 and I ran for president in 2004 against Gloria. I won the election but Gloria cheated me!
Leila: Yeah, yeah. Like they say, “There are no losers in Philippine elections; only the winners and those who were cheated.” Am I right, Ping?
Ping: Yep, you’re right. But I still think that you should run as my VP.
Leila: Well... let’s cross the bridge when we get there, okay? But I’m curious what you’d be doing after you’re termed out next year?
Ping: I don’t know yet. I have several options to weigh. How about you? Are you going to apply for the vacant Associate Justice position?
Leila: No way! With the new CJ around for 18 years, I don’t have a chance to move up to CJ! I’m thinking of running for the Senate in 2013 and then prez in 2016.
Ping: Hold it, Leila! We have to talk later about 2016, remember?
Leila: Okay, okay! But I’m warning you right now! You better have a good reason why you should be the prez and not me. And let’s settle that… right now!
Ping: Well, what experience do you have in politics?
Leila: That’s easy! The President appointed me as a member of his Cabinet. I am his alter ego as his Secretary of Justice. That’s my political experience.
Ping: You’ve got to be kidding! Well, from what I know, you’re not just P-Noy’s alter ego. You’re also full of ego! Ego dito, ego doon. Puro ego ka lang.
Leila: Hoy, watch your language or I’ll re-file those old charges against you.
Ping: Old charges? Whoa! You should be the one to watch out, my friend. A yellow canary twitted me saying that the court would soon disbar you! Do you know that you don’t have a friend in the court?
Leila: Disbar? Oh, my God! Santa Barbara, Santa Maria, Santa Mesa… please help me!
Ping: That means that you might even lose your job as Secretary of Justice. Now, if P-Noy fires you, I can always find you a job here in my office. After all, we’re friends now.
Leila: What kind of job?
Ping: A gofer.
Leila: A go… fer? What’s that?
Ping: Just like you said, go fer this, go fer that. Hehehe….
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DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real characters are coincidental. This story is satirical and is not intended to disparage or defame anyone.