Nightsticks vs Vibrators: NYPD Cracks Down on Dildo Dealers (Parody)

Thursday, 9 August 2012 New York - A mixed squad of undercover and uniformed police has broken up "a sex ring" that was attempting to distribute "vibrating devices" in "broad daylight" at locations in Rockefeller Center and the Meatpacking District.

The disrupted giveaway was staged by a leading manufacturer of personal massage units. The company converted two traditional New York hot dog carts into "Pleasure Pushers" from which it planned to hand out 10,000 free vibrators. That is, until the police arrived.

"We have protection contracts with pimps, prostitutes and gangs that must be honored," a police spokesman said. "We can't have some Johnny-come-lately inserting itself into the business."

Mayor Michael Bloomberg noted that the size of vibrators was also an issue. "They are 6 inches long," said the 5'2" mayor. "That is offensive to people with an average size apparatus."

Surrounded by the 10,000 dildos that were seized, Bloomberg started one up and held it next to the press conference microphone. "That's the sound of sinning," the mayor commented on the buzz. "Nobody sins in our city unless we get our cut."

Three police officers received minor injuries in the raids on the dildo dealer's carts. Fifteen others changed their sexual orientation.

The NYPD plans to issue the seized vibrators to its beat cops who patrol "exceptionally difficult neighborhoods."

"They'll come in handy supplementing our new 'stop and strip' program," the police spokesman said. "They will allow us to probe more deeply into each suspect's background."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.