"...How many times can a man turn his head
Pretending he just doesn't see ?"
, Blowin' in the wind
How many times will I continue to turn my head to fear; the unknown, pain, or just the shear feeling of being freaked out? As long as I continue to turn my head to these emotions I will keep getting what I have always gotten – mediocrity.
You see, I have been struggling with some vicious life suffocation addictions. The main troublesome addiction for the last 5 years has been bulimia. While the worst of this condition has subsided, I still struggle with this dilemma and have spent thousands of dollars in hopes of curing it. Furthermore, in the last year or so I have become increasingly conscious to the fact that I have had my solution latter against the wrong wall, so to speak. In other words, I have been looking at the symptom of bulimia as the dilemma rather than seeing the real dilemma as a much deeper problem. The real problem is finding out why I act out. And why do I act out regardless of the knowledge that doing so is slowly killing myself – suicide.
I now admit that, I'm afraid and I run to food to avoid feeling reality... how many times can I continue to turn my head pretending I don't see? Many, but not in peace – in turmoil for I am conscious to this self destruction.
No more! I don't care how much discomfort comes from feeling; I'm sick of being 3 years old emotionally. I will feel, I will jump in – I will expect nothing and experience everything, looking for the answers in risky unsafe living... Circumstances will come and go and I will not let them stop me. Rather, I will let myself find truth in who I really am. And who is that? I don't know, and therein lies the real problem.
“The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.” -Bob Dylan, Blowin' in the wind
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”