Saturday, 9 June 2012 New York - The heat is on the "stop and frisk" powers of the NYPD. Heavy political pressure has prompted Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly to develop alternatives to a procedure that allows police to detain and search anyone, at any time, without any cause.
"Our original goal was to do in New York City what the TSA has done in the nation's airports," Kelly said. "That is, create a prison-like environment where everyone is suspect and only the authorities have any rights. Stop and frisk is ideal for that. It's like putting the entire city under arrest."
The Commissioner lamented that "stop and frisk" probably would not survive a Fourth Amendment challenge. That Constitutional safeguard protects citizens from unreasonable searches. "Unfortunately, the founding fathers wanted to specifically prevent precisely what we're doing. What were they thinking?"
Kelly noted that he is working with the New York City Department of Alibis to create alternatives to "Stop and Frisk" that might pass Constitutional muster. His favorites:
Hide and Seek
Suspects would be given a head start of up to 10 Mississippi's before police could open fire on them. "This adds a sporting aspect to each encounter, which I think the courts are going to love," Kelly noted.
Live and Learn
Would allow the arresting patrolman to apply his nightstick to the suspect's head until the would-be criminal has "learned his lesson." Comments Kelly: "Some cases will be harder to crack than others."
Shuck and Jive
The cops would arrest the suspect for a long list of trumped up charges. The joke would be revealed, but only after the suspect spends a few years in Rikers. "This is a little like Candid Camera, but without the fun."
Dine and Dash
The suspect would be taken to the nearest doughnut shop or diner for his last meal. "The perp would be able to order anything on the menu, with the exception of sugary drinks," said the commissioner.
Crash and Burn
Police would simply run down the suspect with their patrol car. "Then it's Geico's problem," Kelly declared.
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.