Romney asks Peeping Toms to join bedroom surveillance team

POLITICAL SATIRE

Richmond, VA—In an effort to grab a bigger share of the women’s vote come November, Mitt Romney has proposed legislation that would decriminalize Peeping Tomism and instead press the nation’s estimated 1 million windowsill voyeurs into government service. Attacked by critics for promoting big government, the former Massachusetts governor and inevitable Republican presidential nominee explained that the Peeping Toms would not actually be on the government payroll.

“What I’m proposing,” said Romney, “is the largest mobilization of government-endorsed volunteerism since the Peace Corps. Peeping Toms from one end of this great country of ours to the other would be given the authorization to provide surveillance of all households with women of childbearing age to make sure that they are not using birth control.”

Romney went on to say that if the Peeping Toms found contraceptive devices or birth control pills, they would be permitted to confiscate them immediately. However, to show that he has the best interest of women at heart, Romney said women who engaged in contraceptive practices would not be prosecuted. “Women belong at the country club,” he said. “Not in jail.”

According to Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom, the proposed legislation meets two critical needs. “It reinforces family values by making sure that women are not tempted to use birth control,” he said. “And it will create one million jobs.”

But again critics went on the offensive, pointing out that the potential jobs created by the Peeping Tom legislation are non-compensatory and, therefore, would deliver no boost to the economy. Fehrnstrom called this line of attack “partisan pickiness.” He also accused the Democrats of hypocrisy.

“What we have here is a very specific proposal about how to restore America to an ethical high ground,” he scoffed. “And all the Democrats can focus on is the absence of a paycheck, which many Americans, the governor included, don’t receive and do just fine all the same. Plus—and correct me if I’m wrong—the Peace Corps and government-sponsored volunteerism were Democratic ideas, were they not?”

As for influential Republicans getting on the bandwagon, Rush Limbaugh was first in line. “Romney is definitely onto something important here,” he said. “You’ll remember last February, when I exposed Sandra Fluke for the sex-crazed co-ed she is, I suggested that if taxpayers have to pay for her birth control pills—i.e., promiscuity—we should at least get to watch her in action. Well, Mr. Romney, sign me up for your surveillance team. I’m ready to watch!”

Added Fehrnstrom, “So much for the GOP desire to be in your bedroom being impractical.”

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