The Old Queen got dragged up in her best woolies yesterday, caught a bus to Westminster and blessed us all with her aged wisdom. Leaving her ivory tower on a wet afternoon, a handbag brimming with tissues and panty pads, the confused love spent an hour queueing in a branch of Westminster bank before realising it was Westminster Palace she was expected to visit.
She met a worried Dave Cameron, accompanied by his dutiful husband Nick, just outside the Robe Room where a coffee stained, dog-eared copy of her speech was thrust into her shaking hands.'Don't forget the bit about gay marriage!' Nick whispered as she was sucked into the Robe Room by two robotic doctors.
Once inside her blood was changed, hormones injected, wrinkles pulled back below the trademark silver wig and diamond crown, magic dust sprinkled and finally shot up with extra strength amphetamine, the Old was girl ready to become 'Super Queen'.
To a fanfare of trumpets she was escorted into the Lords chamber resplendent and glittering with 300 years worth of nicked diamonds hung about her withered frame. The lords stood and thrust their right arms out shouting 'Sieg Heil, seig heil!' as is the custom of the day, before the royal bottom lowered onto a golden throne (or toilet seat to you and me). This was the signal for the assembled to strain their ears and listien.
The old dear put on her glasses and to a soft serenade of farting read from the crumpled sheet given to her earlier that afternoon.
My Lords..' she coughed. 'Ladies and other plebs too numerous to mention, my government has instructed me to foster the following upon the nation.'
'Let's hope she remembers the Gay Marriage...'was overheard whispering to a dazzled Dave as the old girl farted and continued.
'In the following year...' she sniffed. 'My ministers intend to pass a bill allowing them to creep into people's homes and read their mail while they are sleeping. They intend to put a camera into every bedroom in the country to ensure only married couples are having nookie and absolutely no-one is enjoying it. Excuse me....'
The queen opened her handbag at this point and took out a tissue before gently wiping her bottom.
'Sorry about that.' she croaked.. 'I had a cling-on.'
'Jesus!' Cameron gasped holding a fey hand over his mouth. 'She is a fan of Star Trek. I knew it.'
'In the preceding year there has been lots of scandal regarding boardroom pay...' Liz sniffed before glaring across the room towards Dave. 'My government has decided to end this with a bill enabling everyone who attended Eton School the right to earn billions tax free for life. Everyone else has to work like a dog for free.'
'Is Gay Marriage next?' Nick gasped expectantly reaching for Dave's sweaty hand.
'My government intends to introduce a Family Centred bill...' she coughed. 'That will end the misery of children across our great country withering in children's homes by making adoption easier. Any one earning over a million a year gets the pick of the blue-eyed, blond-haired ones. fifty grand and above get the Chinese, Asians and Jews while whatever kids are left get flogged off to the highest bidder.'
The Queen winked at a starstruck Cameron before adding. 'I have been asked to finish with a quick mention of Gay Marriage.'
'At last...' Clegg sighed.
'As long as the bride isn't expecting twins most weddings are gay, what with the flowers and dressing up; my wedding was particularly gay.' With that the Queen stood, the royal seat was flushed and she was gone.
'Was that it.' Clegg gasped. 'Why don't you give it a rest. Cameron replied pushing his way through the throng of transvestite Lords and their assorted prostitutes towards the bar. 'Can't you see the old tart's getting old.'
Behind the scenes Liz was sucked back into the vortex of the Robing Room, The crown was removed and the spagetti-like collection of braces, clasps and elasticated straps which held back her unwanted wrinkles, released. The diamonds were stripped, the silk and taffita un wound by the De-Robing robots and eventually super-queen was packed away in a box marked 'Top Secret' for another year.
Half an hour later Liz, like thousands of other British grannies brought back to work because they cannot manage on the state pension, caught the No 95 to Kensington from the bus stop at the back of the Lords.
The charade was over for another year. Sitting next to Kevin Nutter from Penge on the top deck Liz was overheard yawning. 'If I doze off can you give me a shove when we're at South Ken. I get so tired these days.......'