OLYMPICS LONDON BUTT BOMBED ROCK ON ROCKALL

The Olympic Village in London was last night the victim of a devastating butt bomb bomb attack. British police initially suspected the those behind the attack were liberation forces from either the Malvinas or Rockall. However eye witnesses say that a young white man, yes that’s white, entered the building disguised in a Burberry and a flap-cap. Posing as a sprinter and looking like Borat the suicide bomber detonated his butt bomb. A sniffer dog was killed in the explosion.

First in line to pay his respects about the awful, terrible tragedy was David Cameron. “I just can’t express in words how truly sorry I am for this awful, terrible, awful tragedy. Back when I was a lad I always wanted to be a Lord Mayor. Boris's sniffer dog was a great inspiration to me. The loss will be an unmatched loss to Britain” Boris was quick to jump on the bandwagon: “In this time of tragedy…etc. blah. blah, blah..”

His sister “space-hopper” Sally, who survived the blast, had this to say from her hospital bed: “We’d just finished celebrating when in burst this maniac saying things I can’t repeat here, awful things about 'Lefty Crap' the Irish and the Malvinas and then he just blew himself up”. Fortunately, The BBC has managed to get a copy of the broadcast and has found that amongst other things the maniac called Boris a “droopy balding fossil” and also alleged that Sally sexually abused farmyard animals.

Police have said they suspect Jonathan Goodlad the suicide bomber of 18 Tarence Street, Wimbledon, (010438839751693), of committing the crime and are calling on journalists to badger his relatives and find out the truth.

The BBC spoke to the suspect's mother Jodie (45) who told their snail paced response team: “Well that explains what he was doing in the shed all the time with the explosions and then asking me to lend him money for gunpowder. Of course if I’d known that the Olympics bothered him that much I would have just not voted for him.” The suspect's father Dicky had this to say “He always did take after his mother.” The only information we could glean from his brother Ted was that he was only, in fact, the suspect’s half brother.

Later in the day it was revealed that Duncan had left a video diary. In it he says “This fossil is just so irritating. I’m doing the world a favour getting rid of the London Olymics. I mean why do people want to vote for such a racist bigots. The BBC has announced that in memory of the dead bulldog, they will be having a moment of silence continuously for the next three months. They urged viewers to tune in to pay their respects RIP.

London's Lord Mayor Boris after his escape and recent election victory was celebrating and pacing up and down in open-fly readiness for the Olympic Games as he spurted the vast contents of his outsize bladder high into the air, describing a golden arc from Aldwych in the South to the Caledonian Road in the North visible for miles around, as screaming victims from his racist bigotry tumbled from the upper deck of their buses above their heads and floated downstream on the rising tide of Olympic Borismania pouring from the waterlogged pants of thousands of startled racist bigoted, Tory spectators, their urinary tracts blissfully relaxed by discharging pint after pint of pent-up pints down their sodden legs into the swirling open urinal that was formerly called the Thames.