Good News and Bad News
The Good News: Live spans are up across the world.
The Bad News: Most countries are going broke, and have no pension plan or adequate health care for it's seniors.
The Good News: Your set to inherit millions of dollars.
The Bad News: The amount of debt that you owe to everyone far exceeds whatever your inheritance will be.
The Good News: You will live forever,
The Bad News: It most probably will be in Hell.
The Good News: The cute woman next door likes you.
The Bad News: You remind her of her grandfather.
The Good News: All of your kids have left home at last.
The Bad News: Your energy level is now next to nothing.
The Good News: You won the lottery.
The Bad News: So did sixty other people.
The Good News: You finished college and got a degree.
The Bad News: There's no jobs available in your field of study.
The Good News: Finally you met your childhood crush from TV.
The Bad News: She likes everyone more than you.
The Good News: Your can now drive.
The Bad News: With gas prices so high, your not going very far away.
The Good News: Now you have become stronger and taller than your father.
The Bad News: He now assigns you the most unpleasant chores that he used to do.
The Good News: You grades average 4.0 (GPA)
The Bad News: The government is now bankrupt and has no more money for any scholarships, grants or loans.
The Good News: The pet that you wanted so bad, you finally got it.
The Bad News: Your allergic to it.
Some Signs That Your Getting Old
1. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
2. Now it takes two tries to get up from the couch.
3. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
4. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not even eating cereal.
5. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
6. An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
7. Happy hour is now just a nap.
8. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
9. The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
10. The pharmacist has become your new best friend!
Things You Never Hear in Church
I've decided to give our church $500 a month.
I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School Bible class.
Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas!
Things That Only Happen in the Movies
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
One day man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God", he said, "how long is a million years?" God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" God replied, "To Me, it's a penny." The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "In a minute."
An atheist professor was teaching a college class at Alabama and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The football player replied, "God was busy so He sent me!"
A memo from God. I am God.Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it. If you find yourself stuck in traffic; don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege. Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years. Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return. Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children. Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk. Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine. Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity. Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be them!
A much loved minister of God once carried a secret burden of long past sin deep in his heart. He had committed the sin many years before, during his Bible school training. No one knew what he had done, but they did know he had repented of it. Even so, he had suffered years of remorse over the incident without any sense of God's forgiveness. A woman in his church deeply loved God and claimed to have visions in which Jesus Christ spoke to her. To prove her the minister then asked her, "The next time you speak to the Lord, would you please ask Him what sin your minister committed while he was in Bible school." The woman kindly agreed. When she came to the church a few days later the minister asked, "Did He visit you?" She said, "Yes." "And did you ask Him what sin I committed?" "Yes, I asked Him," she replied "Well, what did He say?" "He said, 'I don't remember.'"
One film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
The major was just assigned to a new office on a military base. While he worked to set up his office, a private knocked on the door. The major quickly picked up the phone and motioned for the private to enter. On the phone the major said, "Yes General, I think that is an excellent idea. . . . No sir, that's fine, you feel free to call me any time. I'm glad I can help. . . . Yes sir, I will, and you give my best to your family as well. Thank you sir, and a good day to you too, General." As the major hung up the phone he turned to the private and asked, "What can I do for you, private?" Sheepishly, the private mumbled, "Um, sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone."
Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "What did he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
Satan's Beatitudes. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church; they are my best workers. Blessed are those who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked, I can use them in my business. Blessed are those who are touchy. Soon they will stop going to church verily, they shall be my missionaries. Blessed are those who sow gossip and trouble for they are my beloved children. Blessed are those who have no time to pray for for they MY prey. Blessed are those who gossip, they are my secret agents. Blessed are you when you read this and think it has everything to do with other people, and nothing to do with you. I've got room for YOU at my inn.
The liberal Democrat way. Fifty thousand people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out and a refund was due. The team was about to send out refunds when someone stopped them and suggested that they send out refund amounts based on the their interpretation of fairness. After all, if the refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most of the money would go to the richest people. Their plan says: People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because they had less money to spend. People in the $15 seats will get back $15, because that's only fair. People in the $25 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. People in the $50 luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they already have way too much money to spend. People driving by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, just because they need the most help.
In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:
BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.
DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.
END ZONE: The pews.
EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.
ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.
INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor.
QUARTERBACK SNEAK: Sunday School teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.