Frostbite Falls, MN — GOP presidential front-runnersuffered a severe setback today as the self-proclaimed “varmint” hunter, hell-bent on adding an NRA-certified head to his parlor wall, was accidentally shot by another hunter, Bullwinkle R. Moose, while the Romney hunting party was cooking breakfast. Other members of the Romney hunting party were able to escape further injury, speeding off in two Cadillac SUVs.
At the time of the incident, Romney was in fact caught with his pants down as he vacated himself on a bush. Mr. Moose allegedly fired warning shots, but ostensibly one round hit Romney in the buttocks.
After four hours of what he called “distressing captivity “ — during which the candidate was interrogated about his environmental policies and his apparent lack of commitment to the survival of endangered species — Romney was taken to Frostbite Falls General Hospital where he remains in stable condition. While his wounds are not life-threatening, doctors are worried about possible brain damage. There is also a danger of amnesia.
Surprisingly, Romney presidential campaign senior advisor Eric Fehrnstrom was cheerful about the possible memory loss. “To be honest,” said Fehrnstrom, “all of us here would love to be able to forget what the governor has said on a whole range of issues over the last few months. ‘Corporations are people.’ ‘I like firing people.’ Making $375,000 last year in speaking fees was ‘not very much.’ And so on. The fact that Mitt now has a legitimate medical excuse for memory loss is, frankly, a gift from Above.”
Although Minnesota does not have a Stand Your Ground law on the books, the state does have a law that compels police to take the word of any woodland creature over that of any Republican politician who has changed his mind on one issue four or more times, or four issues more than once. A spokesperson for the Frostbite Falls police department said, “We were bound by law to believe Mr. Bullwinkle.”
Mr. Bullwinkle, the great grandson of Bullwinkle J. Moose of Rocky and Bullwinkle fame, described the incident this way. “We were walking along, minding our own business, when suddenly this guy with his pants down comes out of nowhere and charges after us. I fired a warning shot and he turns and grabs a rifle. That’s when I let him have it in the butt.”
Mr. Bullwinkle said the shot to Romney’s buttocks brought him to his knees. He then passed out cold. Added Mr. Bullwinkle, “We were going to put him in the back seat, but then my buddy Teddy, he says he heard humans prefer to travel tied to car roofs. So that’s what we did. It was the humane thing to do.”
© Daniel Bruce Brown, 2012
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