Nancy Pelosi today called on Speaker of the House, John Boehner, to join her in co-sponsoring the “People’s Rights Amendment” to the U.S. Constitution. Representative http://peoplesrightsamendment.org/)(D-MA) recently introduced the measure in Congress with 26 co-sponsors including Walter Jones (R-NC). (
“It is in the interest of politicians of all persuasions to get behind this important bi-partisan measure,” Pelosi opined. “Whether you distrust Goldman Sachs, Wal-Mart, the ACLU or the NRA, every politician could breathe a lot easier if this fine amendment was added to the U.S. Constitution.”
The People’s Rights Amendment declares that the rights contained in the Constitution are designed for natural persons only and no longer can any corporation claim protection under the Bill of Rights.
Walter Jones, who joined Pelosi in the first moments of her press conference, excused himself saying that he had important hearings on the Puppy Uniform Protection and Safety Act controlling “high volume retail breeders” who were—he noted with grim satisfaction—often hidden behind some “shell of a Delaware corporation.”
Pelosi exploded in derisive laughter when asked by a reporter for the Wall Street Journal why she wanted to limit the free speech rights of America’s major corporations.
“Oh that is so silly,” she replied. “I can’t believe that a responsible paper like the Wall Street Journal would send a journalist to ask such a foolish question. This amendment does not limit just the free speech rights of major corporations. It repeals all constitutional rights of all corporations from Wall Street to Main Street. I am for true equality.”
Pelosi continued in her lyrical New Jerseyesque accent. “Yes, it will silence the corporate greedmongers that give my Democratic colleagues so much grief, but you need to keep in mind that those on the other side of the aisle will be grateful that since the Sierra Club and the ACLU are also corporations they will be equally banned from public participation claiming rights under the First Amendment.”
Pelosi leaned into the microphone and continued. “Last week I saw John Boehner turn nearly white—like he had not seen a tanning bed in months—when he got a petition from an environmentalist coalition. They wanted to close golf courses or something. If the People’s Amendment passes, he can golf in a peace and quiet—and so can I. This is really a bipartisan idea to shut down all corporate influence in politics. The NRA will have to leave me alone. Eric Cantor will never again get targeted by the ACLU. This is truly a bipartisan measure.”
“But what’s in it for the people,” the Journal reporter countered. “I can see why this is in the politicians’ interest. But what about the people—what do they gain?”
The pint-sized powerhouse smoothed out the wannabe wrinkles that threatened to disrupt the dynamic image projected by her magenta St. John’s suit. Shaking her unresponsive, permasprayed hair, she answered with just a touch of irony in her grin. “Oh, the biggest benefit for the people will be the clarification that the Fifth Amendment no longer applies to corporations. That antiquated amendment has the pesky provision that the government cannot take private property without just compensation. We won’t have to worry about taxing them to get our fair share—we can just seize it all. No more lawyers and tax accountants playing games with deductions. They have it. We take it. Much more efficient, don’t you think?”
“And how does that help the people?” the reporter countered.
“Are you an intern or a real reporter?” Pelosi answered. “When the Fifth Amendment is out of the way, we can just solve the deficit problem in a heartbeat. When we can seize all corporate assets—from Wal-Mart stores to Fast Eddies Juke Joke and Pizzeria in Walla Walla, Washington—the people can continue to receive government services on a robust level without having to worry in the slightest about tax increases.”
“How will Congress know if the corporations have been forthcoming about their assets when it is time to seize them?”
“I would advise you to take a civics class, kiddo,” Pelosi answered. “Any high school student can tell you that the Fourth Amendment protects the people against unreasonable searches and seizures. When that Amendment doesn’t apply to corporations, we can just walk into their office—no need for a search warrant—and gain access to all of their corporate records. We’ll know if they are hiding assets from us.”
“What about social media like Facebook? Would you be able to get their records also?”
“Would you like myor Bart Simpson reply to that question?” the former speaker answered, clearly loving the opportunity to fully expound her views.
“Can I have both?”
“Certainly. Thomas Jefferson would have said that this is a truth that is self-evident. Bart Simpson would say ‘like duh.’ Facebook is a corporation. Corporations have no constitutional rights. If we want to see who is behind the nasty posts on our congressional Facebook pages, there are no Fourth Amendment limits on our simply walking in and seizing the records. You think Google can do searches? Wait till you see Congress in action without the shackles of the Fourth Amendment.”
“Wow,” the reporter said, drawing in a deep breath followed by a troubled sigh. “I can’t believe that you really think this is in the people’s interest.”
Pelosi’s aide stepped in. The interview was over.
The former speaker whispered in the aide’s ear as the two climbed into the back seat of a stretch Toyota Prius limo, “Who owns the Wall Street Journal anyway?”
“A corporation owned by Rupert Murdock,” the aide replied.
A grin spread over the Californian’s face.