Rick Santorum is Pope for a day: His holiness has sanctimoniously decreed the following today
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Rick Santorum is Pope for a day: His holiness has sanctimoniously decreed the following today

Philadelphia : PA : USA | Apr 06, 2012 at 1:21 PM PDT
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Rick Santorum and procreation

Political Satire

By Dava Castillo

As your Pope for a day, I have prepared events that represent my personal agenda, and I hope it will be yours as we traverse this auspicious day together. So get on board the Pope train, and let’s take this procession from coast to coast!

Women’s-Return-to-the Middle ages- Day: Hear ye, hear ye to the wenches of the world! Turn in all your birth control pills, diaphragms, condoms, and any devices that indicate you are having sex for any reason other than to procreate. You will be rewarded by having a child every year for as long as you are able, which could be 20 or 30 years or longer! Don’t worry about how you will care for them. I will provide.

Don’t let that pesky voting ID requirement bother you either; let your man vote for you. After all he knows what’s best for you, and your smaller “caterpillar” brain is too fragile and delicate to delve into politics or anything that does not involve cooking, cleaning or procreating.

Solving the Gay People Issue Day: All you gay men and lesbians have lost your way. You really are not gay; you just haven’t found the right person of the opposite sex yet. For you, we are going to conduct a national massive “speed dating” event. Every state in the union gets to participate, sort of like the Mega Millions Lottery where the whole nation took part, except you are all winners! Go to your local gathering place and there will be one of my bishops sanctioning the event. The way I see it, every gay person will hook up with a member of the opposite sex and the “gay issue” will disappear instantly from the heterosexual consciousness, which deep in your hearts is what you really want.

Then we won’t have to talk about whether or not gay people should be allowed to adopt children. You know as well as I that only heterosexual couples can be good parents, even though the marriage statistics are dismal with divorce rates at an all-time high, leaving innumerable children in single-parent households!

Hug your Gun Lobbyist Day: First, blessings on the National Rifle Association (NRA). To begin the session today, bow your head in the name of “guns don’t kill people, people do.” Your gun lobbyists have provided handsomely to many Congress people over the years, and made it possible for them to conduct their lives in the manner to which they have become accustomed, i.e. the Holy Grail of favors-- campaign donations securing their re-election in perpetuity, not to mention vacations abroad, college education for their children, the latest SUVs for their wives and perhaps a shiny new AK-47. All of this while making sure there are enough guns in the U.S. to, well, kill thousands if not millions of people both on purpose and accidently.

Everyone is a Texan Day: With the primary coming up in May, I believe now is the time to un-divide myself on the death penalty. I know it’s been six years since I spoke on this, and I was “divided” on the topic, but after consideration I have decided that Texas really knows how to do things right. (Remember that on May 24, Republican Texans!) Capital punishment is one of the most successful parts of their justice system. It is able to eliminate people at a rate that far out reaches most other states—AND they do it economically. Y’all know I am not from Texas, but darn it I wish I was! In honor of the Lone Star State I am making y’all honorary Texans for a day, so you too can bask in the afterglow of hangings, executions by firing squad, electrocutions, and lethal injections.

National Day without a Mexican: I admit I was in favor of the guest worker program under George Bush, but also I believe that allowing foreign workers into the U.S. is damaging the nation because it’s taking jobs away from Americans. So I propose, not originally I confess, a day without any Mexicans. I am personally very excited and proud about the millions of menial labor positions created, and none of them require a college education. So anyone who needs a job should report your local agricultural council, restaurant workers union, parking lot of Home Depot, or domestic household employment agency and apply for those jobs—some of which are paid less than minimum wage with no benefits, workplace safety standards or job security.

Well, that brings our day trip to an end, and I hope I didn’t leave anyone out of this snapshot of what I believe is best for Americans and all that could be accomplished in only one day. So if I am on the November ballot, you can make all of this possible by voting for me.

Never mind concerning yourself with the separation of church and state—it’s just a formality. The Founding Fathers didn’t want to emulate the English monarchy with a king as head of the American government, but they never said anything about not allowing a Pope!

If you like writing about U.S. politics and the 2012 campaign, enter "The American Pundit" competition. Allvoices is awarding four $250 prizes each month between now and November. These monthly winners earn eligibility for the $5,000 grand prize, to be awarded after the November election.

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Pope of Pennsylvania
Rick Santorum wants to return us to the Dark Ages.
Dava Castillo is based in Clearlake, California, United States of America, and is an Anchor on Allvoices.
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