Romney to name Ron Paul as VP, according to documents in a cheesehead (Satire)

Romney to name Ron Paul as VP, according to documents in a cheesehead (Satire)

Green Bay : WI : USA | Apr 03, 2012 at 5:48 AM PDT
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Green Bay, Wis. - Mitt Romney has agreed to name Ron Paul as his Vice President, but only for his first term as president. This startling revelation was the result of the accidental discovery of a copy of a written agreement found in a parking lot adjacent to the Green Bay Packers football stadium.

According to the agreement, Romney will name Paul as his running mate in exchange for Paul’s willingness to stay in the race “to siphon votes from other viable candidates in sweater vests.” Paul is not required to personally wear sweater vests in order to qualify for the VP position.

The discovery of the agreement came on the day before the crucial Wisconsin primary, moments after the conclusion of a massive Ron Paul rally. The document was found inside the rim of an abandoned "cheesehead"--the signature headgear of Green Bay Packers fans. Someone in the rally crowd, estimated at 12,500 by the "Paul Truth Squad," tossed the cheesehead onto the makeshift stage.

The Green Bay police, who estimated the crowd at 175 including the national media, rushed the stage to ensure that the aging Congressman was not hurt by the foam hat.

Distracted, and yet fascinated by the tumbling cheesehead, Paul paused his speech on the constitutionality of traffic lights and the implications for the ending of the monopoly of the Federal Reserve to pick up the colorful headgear. Putting it on with a broad smile, the adoring crowd squealed in delight at the convergence of their political and football idols.

Unfortunately, the cheesehead appeared to be several sizes too large for the diminutive Texas candidate. An alert campaign staffer grabbed several sheets of paper out of a leather binder, wadded them up, stuffed them in the lining of the cheesehead creating an instant perfect fit..

With the faux cheddar wedge tilted rakishly to his right, Paul finished his impassioned delivery to the Wisconsin faithful promising to return the nation to the days of home milk deliveries by the elimination of all government subsidies of massive grocery chains.

The cheesehead was left on the platform by the Paul campaign in an apparent effort to return the foam adornment to its rightful owner. A passing reporter noticed the wadded papers in the rim of the cheesehead and was astounded to discover a written agreement signed personally by both Mitt Romney and Ron Paul which laid out the terms of the agreement to name Paul as the VP for former Massachusetts Governor should he win the GOP nomination.

At first, the Romney campaign denied the current existence of such an agreement. “Any such agreement, and I am not saying there ever was such an agreement, was written on an Etch-a-Sketch,” Eric Fehrntrom, campaign advisor to Romney replied. “And I personally shook it up to erase the last trace of evidence,” he added.

Fehrnstrom seemed genuinely perplexed when shown the actual written agreement, but, after years of work with Mitt Romney quickly recovered to reverse his position. “Oh that agreement with Ron Paul,” he countered. “That is one of the proudest achievements of this campaign.”

A gathering crowd of reporters demanded to know how Romney could possibly benefit from the alliance. Fehrstrom replied, “There are three reasons that Mitt and Ron are the perfect team—they balance each other so very well. First, Mitt always sounds like he knows what he is talking about if you listen to just one sound bite. But, if you compare his statements to prior utterances there is a great deal of seeming inconsistency. But with Ron, his statements seem erratic and incomprehensible when made, but he is absolutely consistent over the years.”

Seeing that he was making headway with his explanation, Fehrstrom continued, “Second, Mitt was the Governor of a state that the Republicans can’t possibly win this November and he needs the balance of a Congressman from a state that the GOP can’t possibly lose.”

“Finally,” the campaign aide added, “Mitt looks just like a character that Hollywood would select to play a president while Ron seems more like a guy you would see mumbling to himself lost in the back aisles of a Wal-Mart. They bring great balance to the ticket.”

The Paul campaign denied the existence of the agreement, along with the existence of the 14th, 15th, and 17th Amendments to the U.S. Constitution.


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