The Weekly Cab Story Issue #3: The Double Taker

As a cab driver you must know every street on the entire face of the planet. Otherwise people will confuse you, after they argue with you. And then there is Dementia.

I get a pickup at about 1:50 am. At first this guy walked out of the bar, looked at me.. Turned around.. Walked back inside. Then immediately came back outside. He walked up while looking around and asked me if I needed a fare. I said "Yeah I do."

He hopped inside. He asked me how my night was going. You know the usual greeting. When I asked him where we were going he said "Oxford and University." So I proceed down Prince to which he cries "Ok. We'll take the long way home." But the funny thing is he doesn't realize is that you either take Santa Fe Dr or Littleton Blvd to get there.. And Santa Fe Dr is the better choice.

He requested to stop at a gas station.. So we go past Belleview and over the bridge. There is a 7-11 just a little further north of there. So I pull in and there are two officers inside..

Once I parked he said:"When I go in there you aren't going to run on me are you?"

To which I replied: "Why would I run from you? Usually it's the other way around.."

"Right."

He walks inside and the officers leave in a rush. About five minutes go by and he finally goes to the clerk. Then walks to the door. To which the clerk said "HEY! You gonna pay for that?"

He turns around and pays, but when he exits the building he notices me, starts walking to the left, then walks to the right. Takes out his keys and presses the panic button. No sound.. Then he walks over to the side and I roll down my window and he asks me if I am available..

"I am your ride man."

"Oh. Right.."

He gets in the back and he hands me a cold coffee thing and a few krackers. I proceed north to Oxford.. Once we get to the exit he says: "I'm not a heroin whore... go past this."

"Um... ok..."

"Get to Belleview and head west."

"Belleview is behind us.."

"No its not its the next exit.. Turn right."

"Uh.. this is Hampden ave.."

"Next one..."

Obviously he has no clue where he is so I decide to turn around for him.. at Evans.

"Ok.. go west on Hampden."

At this point I am about ready to call it quits.. So I play along with him and go right on Hampden going west...

"When you get to University turn left..."

"University is behind us man we need to turn around."

"No it's not it's that light right there."

"No that's Federal. See? F E D E R A L."

"F***.. turn around.. When you get to Belleview turn right."

(Belleview and Hampden don't intersect. They run Parallel...)

"ok."

So I take Santa Fe back south to Belleview.

"Ok.. turn right."

(At this point I want him out of the cab and now.... I don't give a F*** about the fare.)

"We need to turn left."

"Where are we?"

"Heading south on the exit ramp to Belleview from Santa Fe."

"Oh.. turn left."

As we get up to Broadway he starts eating his snack.

"Oh this is Broadway? Turn right."

"Where do you live man?"

"Orchard and University."

(Ok seriously wtf!? He said Oxford and Uni... Nevermind.)

"When you get to orchard turn left-"

(He finally gets one correct..)

"-and when you get to Hampden turn left."

(And suddenly creates a train wreck. Hampden and Orchard run Parallel..)

"Yo man Hampden and Orchard don't intersect man..."

"Yes they do."

"You mean University correct?"

"Yeah."

"University and Orchard right?"

"Yes."

As we go down Orchard he begins to look at the fare for him...

"Holy s*** 20 dollars? I am in the wrong business man.... I know it doesn't cost that much to get home..."

At this point he sounds mad.

"How the f*** is it 20 dollars? F*** man."

And it sounds like he wants to run...

"Are you new man?"

-!That right there was the point where I played the victim. This is one thing you want to take notes on.!-

"Yeah man. Its my second week man. I don't know this area at all.."

"Oh.. I'm sorry man.. Keep going straight past University."

"Ok."

As we get to his house he calms down..

"I'm sorry man I didn't mean to get you lost or anything."

"Well you did tell me Oxford and University when you got in man.."

He paused and had a blank stare in his eyes.

"I f***ed up.. I f***ed up.."

It came out to 25 dollars. But he only gave me 26 and he said it was 50. Some people are stupid when they drink... but he smelt like a g** d*** cabbage... Must of smoked some schwag before he went drinking or popped a mushroom. I don't know but man he was stupid. Telling me that Hampden and Orchard intersect, what a joke.