Just hours after passing away at the age of 43, conservative activist Andrew Breitbart arrived at his final resting place and went right back to work. According to sources, Breitbart has rented a cubicle on Cloud Nine and is asking eternal souls to submit videos and photos of heavenly figures in compromising positions.
“Look, I’m not alive anymore. I can’t do much on earth, except maybe haunt Rachel Maddow,” Breitbart told a psychic on Thursday. “But I can really shake things up in the hereafter.
"I think people would be surprised at who ends up in Heaven and who has to go to Hell. I bet if I look hard enough and edit enough videos, I can prove that a lot of people who shouldn’t be in Heaven are buying their way in, either promising certain things to certain people, or by hiding parts of themselves that might send them to the fiery pit.”
Breitbart would not reveal where he is currently residing, nor would he reveal who plans to give him this type of footage.
“My job isn’t to compromise my journalistic integrity by outing my sources. My job is to take what I get and change it to fit my narrative.”
According to the St. Peter Times, the largest newspaper in Heaven, Breitbart has been spotted at Tippy Ted’s, a pub co-owned by Tip O’Neill and Ted Kennedy. The paper reports that several patrons saw him, order a few drinks, and then look around the room while taking notes.
“I was surprised to see him there,” said one diner who wanted to remain anonymous. “I mean, he was only 43. I figured he’d have a shotgun wound in his head or something. But he looked OK, so maybe it was natural causes. Maybe.”
The patron then joked that the comment will probably end up on Breitbart’s next website with a caption about a conspiracy between the patron and the liberal media.
In fact, Breitbart has already set up a website, BigHeaven.com. The home page has one simple sentence to describe its purpose: “None of us are angels.”
A staffer from The Satan Sentinel confirms that Breitbart has also been in touch with the paper’s editors to propose writing a weekly column covering previously unknown activities in Heaven.
“Apparently he got his hands on this video proving that St. Gabriel doesn’t know how to play the horn. He said it’s an example of how Christians are being lied to about what to expect when the world comes to an end.”
When asked about Breitbart’s website, the staffer said, “I can’t wait to see what he does with it. Face it, we’re all evil, but at least we admit it down here. The souls up there just need to be honest about it.”
Disclaimer: The preceding article is a work of fiction. Any quotes attributed to real-life figures are written for satirical purposes only; like senatorial speeches about Planned Parenthood, they are not intended to be factual statements.