US state court upholds free speech for Bigfoot

New Hampshire Supreme Court says humanoid needs no stinking permit -- Sasquatch is unimpressed

On Friday, January 13, the Supreme Court of the state of New Hampshire overruled a lower court's finding that a $100 permit and $2,000,000 bond were required for a film project featuring the legendary nonhuman primate Bigfoot interviewing visitors at Mount Monadnock state park. According to an Associated Press report, the Supreme Court held unanimously that the permit requirement violated free speech rights and was overly broad.

Another nonhuman primate, this reporter has long enjoyed the broad protection of free speech provided by the Constitution of Oregon, perhaps because editors and readers wrongly assume that I am really a human pretending to be an orangutan. Limited though the New Hampshire ruling is, the decision offers a ray of hope to oppressed nonhumans around the world.

Sasquatch, a native Pacific Northwest nonhuman primate, lives in the rain forest near Helen Gone, Oregon. This reporter found him in his secluded lair, where he was snacking on hazelnuts and skunk cabbage roots. Though he decined to be interviewed "on the record," Sasquatch did provide some "deep background" on condition of anonymity.

After learning of the recent court decision, Sasquatch downplayed its personal significance. "What's it to me? I've never wanted to be in a movie," he said. "The last time some fool tried to film me, I gave him a dirty look and stalked off into the woods."

Making a rude noise at this reporter's suggestion that he show a bit of primate solidarity, Sasquatch went on, "Humans have dammed the rivers, cut down most of the trees, and nearly wiped us out in the process. Now I'm supposed to be grateful for the right to make a film on a New Hampshire mountain top? Send them all back to Africa, then I'll be happy."

As of press time, this reporter's attempts to contact a Yeti for a second opinion have failed. I can only hope that Asian correspondents will have more success.