Women who use fantasy for sexual arousal
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Women who use fantasy for sexual arousal

Windsor Eton : United Kingdom | Jan 26, 2012 at 3:13 AM PST
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I have never been a romantic. But recently, I must have gone soft in the head because I now enjoy romantic dramas. I admire the hero’s masculinity, his body (admit­tedly fully clothed) and his portrayal of restrained sex drive. Romance may make a woman amen­able to sex but I have not found that it helps with sexual arousal. I need scen­arios that involve explicit erot­i­cism for orgasm.

It is this huge gap between women’s loving emotions and their sexual arousal that must be diffi­cult for a man to under­stand. Men have a much stronger connec­tion between their own sexual arousal and phys­ical intimacy with someone they love. Consequently, men do not neces­sarily need to use sexual fantasies during sex with a partner, espe­cially in the early days of a relationship.

Men’s exper­i­ence of masturb­a­tion leads on quite natur­ally to sex with a partner because men masturbate by imagining the sexual attrib­utes of a sexual partner. Women don’t use the images of men’s genitals for sexual arousal during female masturb­a­tion. Women’s fantasies tend to be scen­arios based on sexual situ­ations that have a psycho­lo­gical context.

This style of fantasy is much more diffi­cult to transfer to sex with a partner. Some women claim to succeed with this but I have met more women who don’t. I have not been able to use my sexual fantasies effect­ively during sex.

It is very natural for a man to feel insecure about a woman’s use of sexual fantasies, just as some women feel insecure about men’s enjoy­ment of porno­graphy. We worry that a lover uses other sources for arousal because they don’t find us attractive. These are common misun­der­stand­ings about the differ­ence between enjoying our own sexual arousal and loving another person.

An appre­ci­ation of erot­i­cism lies at the core of under­standing our own sexu­ality, what turns us on and enables us to enjoy orgasm. A woman who enjoys erot­i­cism and fantasy is likely to be more adven­turous in her sex life with a partner.

No doubt many women are outraged by the idea of encour­aging female masturb­a­tion, oral sex or anal sex. I am not partic­u­larly trying to encourage any specific sexual activity. I am simply saying that if a young woman wants to enjoy sexual pleasure with a partner (as opposed to get preg­nant) then she may need to explore activ­ities other than vaginal intercourse.

Like it or not, this is simply the way the facts of women’s sexu­ality stack up. Vaginal inter­course is unlikely to arouse a woman because the vagina is capable of expanding to allow a baby’s head to pass so it’s not going to feel much from a thrusting penis. Like­wise, the vagina is not designed to be sens­itive other­wise child­birth would be even more painful than it already is.

Origin­ally, fore­play was supposed to compensate for inad­equate clit­oral stim­u­la­tion from inter­course. Unfor­tu­nately, not only do women need clit­oral stim­u­la­tion to continue up to the point of orgasm but also, due to the sens­it­ivity of the clit­oris, it can be diffi­cult for a man to provide the right kind of stimulation.

So when women ask about lack of orgasm today, experts suggest that they masturbate during sex. Little is known about how successful women are with this approach in prac­tice. To help improve our under­standing, Ways Women Orgasm invites women to share how they achieve arousal and orgasm during sex.

I am asking other sexu­ally exper­i­enced women who know about orgasm from female masturb­a­tion(so we know that we are talking about the same exper­i­ence) to share notes on activ­ities that they have found arousing enough for orgasm during sex.

By Jane Thomas founder of the female sexuality forum Ways Women Orgasm.

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Women who use fantasy for sexual arousal
Women who have an appreciation of eroticism through enjoying erotic stories or imagined scenarios, learn to enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm through masturbation. Although clitoral stimulation is needed for female orgasm, clitoral stimulation is only effective once a woman is able to become sexually aroused through the use of sexual fantasy. Ways Women Orgasm is a forum for female sexuality and provides an open discussion of women's orgasm techniques including clitoral stimulation and sexual fantasies.
Jane Thomas is based in London, England, United Kingdom, and is an Anchor on Allvoices.
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