Although I knew that women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies during masturbation, when I approached orgasm during sex, I never considered using sexual fantasies to generate sexual arousal. The presence of another person makes it impossible to achieve the mental focus needed to reach orgasm through fantasy alone.
“Women also often find it easier to fantasise when self-pleasuring than in sex with a partner. The immediacy of someone else’s needs actually inhibits the expression and satisfaction of their own. Some also say they have to imagine that the person making love to them is not the person they know so well.” (p65 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
It takes time but it helps to understand something of each other’s sexual fantasies, what turns them on and what they enjoy about sex. As with all human communication, it is worth starting off with a low ambition level before building up to major confidences. Some people are much more easily embarrassed than others by personal or erotic detail!
Bear in mind that women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies. So a man can encourage a partner to be in a sexy mood by buying erotic but tasteful material to be shared together or for the woman to indulge in alone. Find out what kind of stories turn her on and buy her a couple of erotic novels as a present. Choose something mid-stream initially.
Men often worry that if a woman masturbates they will miss out on sex. In fact, indulging in fantasies and orgasm is likely to make a woman more amenable to sex and it can be a great turn-on for a man to know that his woman has come. If you can put your sexual ego aside, many couples find that they get the most out of sex by enjoying their sexual fantasies.
Buy some sexy movies but remember that women need more story content than men. Consider how to combine sexual fantasy (hers as well as yours) into your sex play. Start sex sessions with a sexy book or movie. Make her arousal the focus.
“What women want in a sexual relationship: (1) More spontaneity: all too often the sexual pattern is routine, preordained, expected. (2) More passion — and less urgency to have intercourse quickly. (3) Their man to have less preoccupation with his own penis.” (p123 EveryMan 1980)
Many couples get stuck in an ‘intercourse-to-male-orgasm’ sex life. Bringing some variety to sex takes effort. Women can help by suggesting ideas that turn them on. Men can explore techniques for combining clitoral stimulation with other sex play, engaging in fantasy role play e.g. some playful bondage and offering some sex talk (telling the woman what is turning him on).
“But even when a man realizes that he should delay penetration, or that the woman may not want it at all, he sometimes makes straight for the erogenous zones or the clitoris, with a hand or mouth, ignoring every other part of the body…. Women need plenty of time in which to unwind and begin to feel desire and desirable.” (p138 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Once in a while, make some effort to spice up your sex life. If you are curious about sex toys, ‘Sex toys a playfully 101 uninhibited guide’ (2003) by Rachel Venning & Claire Cavanah (founders of Babeland.com) is an excellent book to get you started.
By Jane Thomas founder of the female sexuality forum Ways Women Orgasm.