Occupiers tout 'Take It Back Tuesday' as answer to 'Black Friday,' 'Cyber Monday'

NOTE: This story is not from The Onion, but Punditty likes to think it could be. Please be aware that it is filed under “Funny.”

Nov. 28, 2011

“Black Friday” has come and gone and “Cyber Monday” is on the verge of being yesterday’s news. Now it’s time to get on with the rest of the shopping season, right? Not so fast.

As dazed consumers take stock of their recent ill-advised sprees, “Take It Back Tuesday” is taking the nation by storm as the Occupy Movement shifts from a grind-it-out, up-the-middle strategy into more of a wide open air game that makes liberal use of trick plays.

“We thought that after the vicious beating of a 70-year-old poet, the pepper-spraying of peacefully assembled students and the heavy-handed crowd dispersal tactics in general, Wall Street’s unwitting functionaries were reading our offensive sets pretty easily,” said Occupy Movement’s special teams coach Hasant Bin Sober. “So we thought it was time to go back to the drawing board, come up with some new schemes, see if we could start moving the ball again and hopefully get back into the Red Zone for some chances to score.”

An unofficial, highly subjective Punditty Project poll found that 99 percent of all American consumers support TIBT.

“I charged up a bunch of Chinese-made junk on Black Friday that I didn’t need or even really want, for that matter,” said Bifferoo Byers, 63, of Dodge City, Kansas. “I stood in line for nearly eight hours starting around 10 p.m. on Black Friday Eve, but I’ve been camped out in this Walmart parking lot since about 3:30 this afternoon. I have a lot of stuff to take back on Tuesday and don’t want the store to run out of money before I get refunded.”

Byers said he would be returning a microwave oven, a flat-screen television, a digital camera, a digital flatbread toaster and two ceiling fans.

“I really didn’t need any of that stuff,” Byers said. “I guess I just got caught up in the spirit of Black Friday and wanted to get in on the good deals. Thankfully, Take It Back Tuesday is here to save me from myself.”

Byers did not know that TIBT was planned by Bin Sober and the Occupy braintrust, but he said he supported the change in tactics. “I think it’s overdue. Woody Hayes was effective in his day, but then again, so was Mayor Daley.”

The Take It Back Tuesday Coalition of Concerned Consumers (TIBTCCC), under direct orders from Occupy’s Chief Economist Candace Allsworth-Abacus, specifically exempted purchases made on Small Business Saturday from TIBT. Small Business Saturday, founded in 2010 by American Express, falls between Black Friday and Cyber Monday.

“Our research shows that purchases made from small businesses, especially those made on Small Business Saturday, fall more into the category of ‘meeting needs’ rather than ‘mindless consumerism,' ” Allsworth-Abacus said. “We wholeheartedly believe that Small Business Saturday and Take It Back Tuesday can peacefully co-exist, especially if at least 99 percent of consumers use cash, gold or silver instead of American Express when buying from small businesses.”

In related Giving Special Names to Days of the Week news, the American Psychiatric Association would not confirm rumors that it had retained the services of Madison Avenue whiz kids Olds, Young and Jung to develop ads tailored toward compulsive shoppers in time for this holiday season. “We can confirm that yes, the APA will be rolling out a ‘What’s Wrong With Me? Wednesdays’ campaign in early 2012,” said APA spokesperson Sal O’Mimi, “but we can’t say if that effort will underlap into this year.”

Thursdays and Sundays remain up for grabs in the Claim and Name the Day Game, although a chocolatier in Plano, Texas, is said to be close to a multimillion dollar “Sinful Sundays” deal with 13 Southern megachurches. The chocolatier would provide deliciously decadent sundaes to delighted church-goers after services for every confirmed same-day contribution of $75 or more.

SOURCE:

Imagination

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