Friday, 11 November 2011 Simi Valley, California - Republican presidential contenders
Publicly embarrassed by critical memory lapses last week, the two candidates are scheduled for a week of brain rehabilitation and recall treatment.
Republican strategists praised the move as significantly improving their party's chances in the race for the White House. They added that by admitting their mental deficiencies and seeking help, the two candidates have transformed themselves from villains into victims.
"These two aren't the highest caliber bullets in the chamber to begin with," said Wyatt Borth, who heads the conservative think tank That's Mine! "So anything they can do to improve the state of their intelligence will pay big dividends next November."
Texas governor Rick Perry is so prone to brain freeze that he has been advised to wear an insulated hat at all times. He almost sunk his campaign at the Republican presidential debate last week, when he couldn't remember one of his own policy points.
His treatment at the Reagan Clinic will consist of prying his eyelids open so they can't be closed and forcing him to watch every campaign speech he has ever made, over and over again.
"If you've seen the film The Clockwork Orange, you have an idea of what's in store for Mr. Perry," said Julian Cox, the clinic's director. "After a week of this treatment, I don't think he will be forgetting any policy points anymore."
Herman Cain, who couldn't remember the name or the face of one of his sexual harassment accusers, is scheduled for an even harsher intervention. He will be wired to electroshock treatment machine, offered pictures of attractive women, and asked to call them by name.
"Mr. Cain claims to be the business candidate," Cox said. "So each time he fails to identify the woman in a picture, he will be rewarded with 999 volts delivered directly to his 'business.' "
Cox cautions that the clinic's treatments can produce dangerous side effects. "We've accidentally transformed some perfectly good Republicans into Democrats," he said. "We think it has something to do with the amount of power."
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.