I need to write. It's my survival. So...hmmm? What oh what to share with the world today? Well I was reading some of my old stuff. Yikes! What a bunch of crap sometimes, huh?...Well, NO! Yes, sometimes. Well now that I'm a bit older, a bit wiser, and who knows, maybe a bit taller, I got some new intake on life.
Life is about understanding. Every single thing that we can't understand gives us hell, and the more we truly understand things the harder it is to cope with sad truths. I just see things that make perfect sense and everyone else misses it because they're sadly and pathetically euphemistic idiots in denial; disillusioned. The truth hurts, the truth takes a lot of understanding. It takes understanding because if no one could figure out why things are the way they are then there'd be no answers to all the stupid questions people ask on a regular basis because they can't understand. Whether they ask themselves, God, or a stranger...People are always asking questions to things without answers. There really isn't an answer for everything. Well, there is, but it's the truth and no one really wants to hear it. But for those who seek out the truth realize it takes a little more physical energy to know things like, "Why doesn't he love you anymore, or did he ever love you, or what is love?" When you're able to answer questions like these being, "He just doesn't, he never really did- maybe cause he doesn't know what love is to begin with-, and love is simply love," you tend to have an expanded mind, or a bigger cup, if you will. These are sad things, these are heavy for the simple minded. The bigger your cup the more energy it takes to fill it with joy, euphemisms, distractions, and, really, love is a big filler to take your mind off all those sad truths.
The truth isn't sad for what it is, it's sad because it's always simple. It's alway obvious, the truth, and it's sad that humanity doesn't know what's up or down. Really, though, if it didn't take more energy then people would all be the same. Understanding is what makes the older wiser and the young so youthful. Not everything is the same, but thank God it isn't, alright? Just thank God, that there's not trillions of poor and no rich, or all one race, all one culture, all one mind. That's just stupid, but God's a funny man, and he'll humor us by making everyone different. God really does have a sense of humor. I've always thought he was a little twisted with it, too. Well don't get me wrong though, God is good. But who's to say what's good or bad by our human judgements? I mean what's already good can only get worse, and what's bad can only get better, so really, everything simply just is. That's why the truth is sad, because it just IS. When people begin to understand things, anything really, like, "Mommy, why is that old man looking at me funny?", and then, you can never go back to thinking the way you did before. See, in life, doors are really only opened. Never shut. Once the mind has been expanded it has been reformed and cannot go back to its former state.
Well anyway, that's enough intake from me on "life", what do I really know, right? But I'll tell you what I can infer based on my own life. Love is simple, marriage is complicated, relationships do take work, not chance, trust is first, respect is next, and if they're both gone the relationship is over. There's starting over, but not unless you really start over, and that would include becoming a new person, leading a different life, taking another route. Sometimes one person can change but not the other, and the great thing about love is that it can be transformed.
I was lying awake one night thinking my whole love-life over, and I came to one such conclusion as this: We're just kids, it happens to everyone, if you were never vulnerable then you wouldn't have been able to get where you did, and if you hadn't stopped letting yourself be vulnerable then you might not have ended the relationship the way it did. Well I've come to a different conclusion. I'm really different, and pretty special, and things like what I had to go through don't happen to everyone. I got to experience something truly rare to humanity, because people are too selfish to engage in a series of selfless acts, which is what I did. But that doesn't mean the fact that we're kids doesn't apply, it just means something different. Sure we were kids, and maybe we were just in "lust", but I know that isn't all of it. Because we were kids we got to explore love in a way that a clouded, cynical adult mind doesn't have the ability to experience. It was fun, hard, mind-expanding, but very worth every second. Sure I didn't get what I needed in the end, but I didn't walk away totally empty handed either. Sure I got kind of screwed in the end, mentally and all, but if I weren't a little insane after what I put myself through then I could really need some help. Sure I can't sleep or eat right, lost my will to do anything good for myself, and just sit around playing with my thoughts on one tiny aspect of my life, my very short life at that, and maybe you can consider it to be horrible for what this guy's done to me, but he didn't know any better for one, and two, i know a lot more than you can ever understand about it. It's just that simple, I know a lot and other people don't. Other people aren't as smart, and a lot of people, the majority, aren't nearly as wise as I am blessed and cursed to be, and have yet to become. The fact that I know and accept that doesn't make me arrogant, it's just that I can willingly understand it.
Like I was saying, love can be transformed, bet you didn't know that, only because you're not willing to let it transform. But really when you think of love like a tree, it grows, and everyone knows that, but you also think of what it has to work around based on where it was first planted. Well I'll tell you my love is definitely going to need some redistribution because it's all screwed up right now. I can't allow myself to feel the way I do, but I can't help it. So what do I do? I channel it. Control it. What a concept, self-control. That's too bad, but I understand it's necessary that this kind of love, even though it's so precious and rare, and not a lot of people get to experience it the way we got to, but I have to let it go, and let go completely. What kind of crap is that to have such a love and let it go? I think it's stupid too, but Im the mentally unstable person, naive and trapped, who needs to move on. But the question is why in the hell would I want to do that? The answer is because. It's another sad truth, but I understand that already, don't I? And that's really unfortunate