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Losing candidates top 2013 CPAC speakers list (Satire)

The 2013 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) has chosen its key speakers for the March 14-16 event in Washington, and it says a lot about the Republican message for the future.

The top CPAC picks have demonstrated their ability to alienate millions of voters and lose elections by showing off just how crazy Tea Party candidates can be with their vision to take America back to the Stone Age and incoherent contradictory rhetoric that continues to confuse just about everyone.

Mitt Romney

Losing presidential candidate Mitt Romney will be coming out of hiding for the event.

After his embarrassing defeat to President Barack Obama in the 2012 election, Romney has been given a not-for-prime-time afternoon spot. But no matter what time Romney speaks it will still likely make headlines.

Millionaire Mitt gained fame and bad fortune on the 2012 campaign trail, when the grandson of former President Jimmy Carter managed to videotape Romney at Florida fundraising event, where he called “47 percent” of the American people lazy moochers who would never vote for him anyway because he wanted to take away their government handouts. Mother Jones published the video that some believe cost Romney the election.

If Romney holds true to form, he will probably take opposing views against himself, bringing pandering and bipolar politics to a new level.

Sarah Palin

Losing vice presidential candidate and recently unemployed Fox News commentator Sarah Palin will also take the 2013 CPAC stage.

Palin was the creator of the “Death Panel” myth intended to scare people about Obamacare. Since the completely false claim was soundly debunked, Palin ended up scaring more voters away from the Republican Party than people who supported health care reform.

Millions will be shocked if the former Alaskan beauty queen can make it through her speech without using the words “Obama” and “socialist” several times in the same sentence.

Rick Perry

Texas governor Rick Perry had the lead in the GOP primary races leading up to the 2012 election, but lost it after admitting during a debate that he wanted to eliminate parts of the US government but couldn’t remember which ones.

Ted Cruz

No 2013 Republican event would be complete without a taste of the most frightening new star of the Tea Party. That brings us to freshman Texas Sen. Ted Cruz.

Cruz is the personification of everything scary about the Tea Party wing of the Republican Party. Upon arrival in Washington, Cruz quickly made a name for himself by conjuring of memories of McCarthyism during the confirmation hearings of Defense Secretary nominee Chuck Hagel.

While many Americans consider the 1950s witch hunt for hidden communists by Sen. Joe McCarty an embarrassment in US history, in 2013, CPAC views Cruz as their brightest unfounded conspiracy theory star.

To confirm their endorsement of communist hunters in the Republican Party, CPAC has given Cruz the coveted spot of final speaker at the convention.

What does all this say about the future of the GOP?

Despite the list of excuses for Romney’s losing bid for the White House, which includes everything from bad weather to the failure of voter suppression efforts against likely Democratic voters, the Republican Party is sticking to its losing political message.

Fear not, America! No matter how badly the 2013 CPAC message is received by mainstream voters, the right-wing blogosphere will find a way to twist it into a glorious display of simply amazing conservative vision for 18th-century America.

If they have to sprinkle it with a few baseless conspiracy theories, fear-mongering, or insulting comments about rape -- so be it. Nothing makes a convention more fun than losing candidates making stuff up so they can fundraise off it later.

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