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Politics

The convention that wasn't

SETTING: A large convention center.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Barry....President and a Bluecrat

Mickey...First Lady

Matt.....Redcrat party nominee for president

Anna.....Matt’s wife

Saul.....Redcrat party nominee for vice-president

Jake.....Vice president and a Bluecrat

Will.....Bluecrat and former president

Ebbie....A Spokesperson for the Bluecrats

Cliff....A popular macho actor famous for his one-liners

Jon......The chairman of a very large state’s Bluecrat party

ACT I

All characters in unison: “I do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God, even when interviewed by reporters.” (After initial shock, ratings monitor plummets).

ACT II

Barry: (Faces center TV camera) “Folks, things haven’t worked out well. I had my shot at it. So I’m not going to seek re-election when all I can promise you is more hope and change. Instead, I encourage you all to give Matt an opportunity. This economy is a real mother! So maybe we really do need a successful businessman running things.”

(Faces left teleprompter) “Those of you in the advertising business including those you hired to pretend to be victims of Bane Kapital, you no longer need report to work. However, we will honor our financial commitment to you, including the ad agencies, and send each of you a check for work not performed. Lord knows, 23 million is far too many unemployed! I tried executive orders but that didn’t create jobs, blaming others but that didn’t create jobs, having a blue ribbon panel of experts tell me what I didn’t want to hear, but nothing helped. But I won’t make it worse just to pocket a few more contributed bucks.”

(Turns to face Matt seated on his right) “During this transition period, I will work with Matt and his team and issue no executive orders. And, if Matt wishes, I will introduce him to world leaders, especially my good friend Gladimir Putting. Glad’s a pretty cool dude and has a great sense of humor.”

(Faces center camera) “My fellow citizens, thank you again for the opportunity to have been your president. God bless you all. God bless the United States of America!”

ACT III (Anchors for different networks talking to each other about what was just said)

PARTL: “Have you ever heard of anything like this?! Even Johnson’s surprise announcement back in ‘68!”

BIASL: “I have never even dreamed of anything like this!

BIASXL: “Look at our ratings! We’re all getting pink slips on Monday!”

BIASC: “No one’s watching! That’s the thanks we get for trying to keep politicians honest!”

ACT IV (Characters, now relaxed, standing around talking to each other)

Mickey: “Hey Matt! I’ve never been with a Mormon.”

Anna: “I was raised Episcopalian. Until Matt, I was never with a Mormon either.”

Ebbie: “I’ve never been with a Redcrat.”

Barry: “’I’m a mutt,’ so I’ve been with everyone.”

Will: “Got you beat.”

Matt: “I was with my church.”

Saul: “I went black, and I’ve come back.”

Jake: (Starts to chime in, stops when he sees Cliff reaching for his gun.)

Cliff: “Go ahead, Jake! Make my day!”

Jon: ”Hey! Any of you guys ever have a root canal?” (Looks at his watch) “I’m outta here! I have to be at my dentist in seven hours and I have to change planes at O’Hare.” **

Saul: “Jon, I’ll be glad to give you a ride to the airport. You’re a car buff, and I have my historic Mercedes here. It’s just like the one driven by the Nazi Goebbels."

(Lights dim and crowd in background shouts, “Matt! Matt! Matt! USA! USA! USA!”)

** http://www.commentarymagazine.com/2012/09/04/burton-suddenly-remembers-he-had-dentist-appointment-back-home/