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Top 10 things I would do as POTUS (Parody)

In this politically charged presidential election year, just about everyone has their own ideas on how to make America a better place.

Although some of these ideas are pure fantasy and others wish-list, below is my top 10 list of things I would do if I were president of the United States:

1: Enforce trickle-down economics policy: All top 1% income "job creators" who fail to create jobs will be required to give lump sum payments to the 99%.

2: Raise the minimum wage to $20 an hour to fill in any gaps in #1: Any American who works full-time should have enough money to support a family without needing food stamps.

3: Everyone gets free health insurance: Because it's easier than fighting about who gets health care and who doesn't.

4: Outlaw lying in campaign advertising: If you can't win with the truth, you're out. Liars are certain to cause even more trouble if allowed to be elected.

  • Negative ads are also out, because they're annoying and usually contain even bigger lies.
  • Also, name-calling among political opponents will become a punishable offense.

Offenders will be seated on a stool, facing a wall, while wearing a dunce cap for one hour per offense. All potty-mouth offenders carrying out their penance will be televised live on C-SPAN through split-screen.

5: Elected officials play or pay: Any elected member of congress or the U.S. Senate (or any other elected office) who deliberately blocks legislation automatically forfeits all benefits paid for by the taxpayers who hired them. That includes salary, pension benefits, health insurance, and parking privileges. Handouts to politicians who refuse to work is a bad investment.

6: Bring back the Line Item Veto and add baggage disposal powers: The best way to get rid of wasteful spending and stop political gamesmanship is to make it costly for lawmakers to take their own country hostage by adding stupid, unrelated legislation to real legislation. So no more adding defense spending riders to abortion bills, etc. One thing at a time.

7: Hand out voter registration numbers with Social Security numbers: Babies born in U.S. hospitals usually don't leave without seeing that woman with the clipboard show up to make Uncle Sam their forever tracking agent. Adding a voter registration number at the same time is no big deal. No photos needed to prove voting eligibility, since there were lots of witnesses to the event.

8: Real campaign finance reform: Cap all political donations from individuals, businesses, lobbyists, and special interest groups to $1,000. No exceptions. It's not fair if only rich people get what they want - and we want America to be fair.

9: Tax reform: No more loopholes, corporate welfare, or deductions for anyone, with a minimum required payment of 15% of all income – no exceptions. Taxes could then be filed on a single sheet of paper and filled out in crayon.

10: Name change and minimum candidate requirements: Change the names of the political parties from Republicans and Democrats to "Lit-wits" and "Nit-wits."

Candidates compete for party affiliation through standardized fourth-grade math, science, biology, and American history tests.

If they are not smart enough to pass a basic grade-school knowledge test with a 90% score, we're not going to give them an opportunity to call themselves "Lit-wits" or run the government. America needs more honest, intelligent leaders, not fanatical idiots.

Have a suggestion of your own? Add it in the comments section.*

*Rule #4 about name-calling and lying applies.

If you like to write about U.S. politics and Campaign 2012, enter "The American Pundit" competition. Allvoices is awarding four $250 prizes each month between now and November. These monthly winners earn eligibility for the $5,000 grand prize, to be awarded after the November election.

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